Seriously. I say fuck 9/11.

Why should we celebrate the terrorists? Why don’t we instead celebrate October 7th, the day when we declared war on Afghanistan? Or May 1, the day when the “Mission” was “Accomplished”?

You’re not supposed to celebrate the day you LOSE. You’re supposed to celebrate the day you WIN. Pearl Harbor was a tragic day, too — in many ways, more so than 9/11 — but the difference is, on Dec 4, I don’t have to put up with everyone I know talking about Pearl Harbor. In fact, as sad as that was, it was just one event in a WORLD fucking WAR.

By contrast, 9/11 was simply the day that some Islamic extremists managed to kill a bunch of Americans and the completely get away with it. 9/11 was the day that the Bin Laden family was chauferred around in a private plane while the entire airspace over the US was closed down. 9/11 was the day that our President stared blankly at a children’s book while our country was under attack.

In other words, 9/11 is the day that the entire United States was caught with its pants down by some guy in a cave halfway around the world.

The problem is, everyone talks about 9/11, not because it should be remembered, or commemorated, or celebrated, or anything else. They talk about it because it keeps “national security” at the front, as a hot topic. It keeps assholes like Dick Cheney relevant. It justifies torture, and it influences elections.

Jesus Christ himself does not get the press that 9/11 gets. Even on Christmas day.

Well fuck that. And fuck 9/11. I don’t want to remember the day we lost. I want to remember the day we won. That’s what history is, after all, right? It’s written by those who won. The fact that we’re still talking about 9/11 is proof that we have failed and we continue to fail.

Apparently I’m not the only one who’s figured this out.

<a href="http://www.atom.com" target="_blank">Twits</a>

The Twitter Decoder! (or what we really see when we ready your updates)

The phenomenon of Twitter has proven to be an awesome tool for revolution in Iran… but for the rest of the world it is too often used by tools of idiocy. The interesting irony about Twitter is that so many people continue to post bullshit, even though they are fully aware that everyone else is posting bullshit! Odds are, you’re probably guilty of the following…

twitter.com/images/default_profile_normal.png" width="48" height="48"> 

you Mmm Mexican food again. Yum!
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: I’m so bored. What can I do? Well, I’ve got Twitter… maybe that will give me something to do. Hmm… what to write about… Dammit, I have nothing cool to say. Fuck this, I’m going to eat. Shit, all I’ve got is the leftover burrito from yesterday.

Advice: Cure your boredom with activities instead of food, or you’ll end up fat.

 

you I’m in Detroit. (Or Seattle. Or Alabama. Or Egypt.)
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: Travel is so cool, and I’m finally doing it. Woohoo! Look at me, everybody — I’m travelling! That’s right! I really get around! I went to a place! One that’s not where I normally am! Fuck it, I’m not even going to try to be clever in my delivery… I’m just going to come right out and say it. I am somewhere.

Advice: Yay for you. You left point A and arrived at point B. Now do something interesting or else shut the fuck up.

 

you Sailors in my kitchen cooking me pancakes at 3am. It’s great to be me!
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: Wow, I finally got laid. I’ve got to tell everybody. Oh, wait, if I tell people I finally got laid, they’ll know how desperate I am… and if I leave out the word finally, they’ll just think I’m a slut. Hmmm… I know, I’ll talk about something completely unrelated and make it look like I’m frickin’ awesome. In fact, I’ll even come right out and tell everybody I’m awesome so they’re sure to get it!

Advice: Face it. You’re a slut, and not even a good one. You’re the worst kind — the slut who rarely gets laid. Sex is not a badge. It does not make you cool. (Well, unless you know how to do that thing with the orange juice and the tuning fork…)

 

you Can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I’m going to bed.
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: Gosh, I really want to believe that there are people out there who are going to be disappointed when my updates stop, and who wonder where their entertainment went. I need them to know that nothing bad has happened to me, I’m just going to bed. Okay, I know that nobody cares. I really just want somebody to acknowledge me. I’m going to stay up for at least 20-30 more minutes and see if anyone tweets back a goodnight for me.

Advice: If you want people to find you interesting, do something interesting. Going to bed is not interesting.

 

you I spent $120 at a bar last night.
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: Hey everybody! I’m a party animal, I promise. I have actually spent real money — we’re talking three digits on my bar tab! And that’s BEFORE the tip! You are all missing out by not hanging out with me. Everywhere I go. Ever. I’m fucking awesome.

Advice: No. You’re not awesome. If you spend less than $100 on a night out, it doesn’t even count. And people aren’t impressed until your tab gets into four digits. Not that drinking is really that impressive anyway… it’s the spending part that impresses people. Get a hobby.

 

you It’s a nice day. I don’t want to be at work.
5 minutes ago from web

What we read: Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? What do you even do with Twitter?

Advice: Holy fucking shit, Batman. Like we all can’t look outside and see that it’s a nice day out. News flash: NOBODY wants to be at work right now. We’d all rather be outside enjoying the weather. Thanks for reminding us, though, lest we forget that life sucks. From now on, you are not allowed to speak unless you have something worth saying.

I have spent an incredible amount of time studying the Russian language in recent months, and a vital part of learning a new language is hearing (and understanding) it spoken. To this end, I have been watching a lot of Russian movies and Russian-dubbed movies, as well as a lot of American movies with Russian speaking in them. Sadly, those American films are mostly turning out to be more of a joke than a learning tool.

Recent films I’ve watched have included Hitman, Lord of War, and The Saint, while Cold War-era films have included such favorites as Rocky IV, Red Dawn, and Spies Like Us. While those newer films aren’t as iconic, the older ones are largely ingrained in the social fabric of the US, and that’s why I have been somewhat disheartened by what I’m seeing as I go back and watch them in this new way.

Starting with Rocky IV, which was the easy “go-to” movie for a guy looking to test his new language skills, it’s quickly apparent how pathetic that film really was. Judging by their accents, and their poor understanding of the Russian language, I doubt that there were any actual Russians involved in the making of that movie! And worse, it’s filled with Cold War propaganda, such as the portrayal of the Russians as evil, heartless rule-breakers, while the Americans are honest and virtuous. Gag me.

But it gets worse. Red Dawn was very memorable, having been the only mainstream film to depict a successful Soviet invasion of the US… yet once again I doubt that any actual Russians were involved in the making of the film. The biggest speaking roles (in Russian) were given to people who knew nothing about grammar. In fact, it became quite clear that the Russian dialog was written in English and then simply translated word-for-word into Russian, because grammatically it didn’t make any sense in Russian. And in terms of propaganda, let’s just say that the film opens with a depiction of Soviet troops invading a school and shooting children. Wow.

In comparison, it’s Spies Like Us, a comedy film, that was most fair. In this film, Soviets are depicted as people similar to Americans, with seemingly equal ability and technology. And while there were a few strange accents, there were also a few genuinely Russian accents. It’s typical of Hollywood, that only a comedy could be honest. Or maybe it’s typical of life, that reality is funnier than fiction.

The earliest post-Soviet Russian film I’ve watched so far was The Saint, and I think it’s been the best — probably because they used real Russians… in Russia! (With the exception, of course, of a Croatian playing the most prominent Russian role.) Not much Russian dialog, however, so while it was a reasonable (if exaggerated) depiction of the country at that time, it wasn’t much use as a practice tool.

For the most part, I found Lord of War simply offensive. How do you cast Nicholas Cage and Jared Leto as a pair of Jewish Ukrainian brothers? I don’t believe either one of them has a drop of Jewish or eastern-European blood in them, and fortunately neither of them tried to speak more than one or two words of Russian on screen. The portrayal of post-Soviet Ukraine was probably mostly fair, if limited by the plot. However, once again, it fails miserably as a practice tool.

And then there’s Hitman. Most of the time, I couldn’t tell if it was really taking place in Russia, or if it was just some Hollywood sound stage. I tend to lean toward the latter, though, since some of the buildings had blatant spelling errors in the Cyrillic characters. Most of the Russians were played by good ol’ American country boys, and the vocabulary was pretty limited.

With the large number of authentic Russians to choose from, why is Hollywood still selecting country boys to portray Russians on screen? What would happen if they tried to do that with Latino roles?

And with the Cold War long since ended, why are there still so few movies being filmed on location in former Soviet countries?

I just received a check from CafePress for my creation — the Unabomber hooded sweatshirt — which I had forgotten about. Apparently a number of people thought the idea was good enough to justify ordering one. Do you?

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day.

So I’m walking back from Home Depot — it’s maybe 10 blocks through the city for me — and as I cross Broadway a man comes from behind me and says “you should find an ash tray, or quit smoking, or something, you loser.”

Well geez, that was pretty hostile. Naturally, I fired back, “hey, go preach to someone who gives a shit, asshole.”

His response? “Hey, screw you, ya loser. Why don’t ya think about that, huh? Think about why I said that to you, ya loser.”

And my silver-tongued response, naturally, was to make all the curious onlookers laugh: “I already know why you said it. Your father was an alcoholic and your mom didn’t hug you enough, and you’re filled with the rage of 45 years of virginity, so the only thing that makes you feel better is calling people names as you pass them on the street. Who’s the loser?”

And yes. People did laugh.

But I did think about it. I did, as he said, think about why he might say that to me. Who knows? Maybe some of my cigarette ashes flew into his eye — that would be unpleasant. Or maybe I didn’t put out my butt all the way and he burned his big, gross, sausage toes on it as he walked by in his stupid looking man-sandals. Who knows? Whatever the case, it was more than coincidence, because he was upset.

What stands out most, however, is that this 40-year-old virgin thought the way to make himself understood was to cuss people out. It’s kinda silly when you think about it, because if he had said, “hey, man, your cigarette ash burned me… you might want to be more careful,” I would have felt sorry and immediately taken the opportunity to apologize and we could have had a semi-pleasant interaction. And moreover, I would have been more careful about whatever it was from that point on, because I’d be concerned for the people around me.

But instead, he never told me what his problem was. All he did was call names and make a fool of himself. And now, every time I’m near that street corner, I’ll be looking for him so I can flick a cigarette butt at him. Mission accomplished, eh douchebag?

So my point is this… anger really doesn’t solve anything. Nevermind the fact that people have more respect for a man who is in control of his emotions… but how about the thought that being calm about expressing his problem might have actually gotten him a better result? I, for one, learned from this experience that it’s important to express myself in a positive, friendly manner the next time I’m inconvenienced by a stranger.

I don’t know what I think is worse, the fact that John McCain’s latest campaign ad has sunken low enough to call Obama the Antichrist, or the fact that there are people out there who are actually buying into this horseshit.

There is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start. I suppose a good place to start is Snopes, which points out plainly how much bullshit all the antichrist talk is anyway.

But I’m really mind-blown at the baseness and audacity of such an ad. I mean seriously, people… how can you even call that political? This is the equivalent of campaigning on a message of “elect me because my opponent is clearly better than me, and that makes him evil.” And this from the guy who promised to run a policy-based campaign without attacks. Come on!

Moreover, doesn’t this defy all logic? I mean, if Christians truly believe the horseshit they keep telling each other, then they should welcome the antichrist! I can’t believe I’m even humoring the thought of it, but let’s just go down that road for a minute…

So let’s play along, and assume there actually will be an armageddon, and that we’re near the “end times”, and that the antichrist had just made his appearance. If you really believe in all that bullshit, you should be happy! You should be celebrating! It would signal the beginning of God’s great plan, and you’re going to magically disappear anyway, right?

And wouldn’t it be heresy to vote against him? If he really is the antichrist, wouldn’t a vote against his election be the equivalent of a vote against God’s plan? Wouldn’t it make sense then to say that voting against the antichrist is voting for evil? Because, after all, by working against the master plan, you are actively trying to keep “the devil” in the world and delay its destruction?

Yeah.

So the fact that these religious nut-jobs and assholes are actually biting this bait proves something much bigger: deep down inside, they really don’t believe any of this horseshit either. They’re afraid the world will end, but they don’t really believe they’re going to be spared (or “saved”, as they call it in their cult code language). A vote against a possible antichrist is the equivalent of saying “I want to live — right here on earth — because I’m not sure I really believe in this place called heaven, or my place therein.” And thus the entire religious argument uravels yet again. Funny how that always happens when you follow logic.

Which leads me back around to where I started. I just don’t know which I find more offensive: the hideous depravity of Republican campaign tactics, or the self-deluded masses who are, like sheep, swallowing it up.

I just took the ALA Survey 2008 for people who work with the web, and I encourage anyone else in a web-related profession to take it as well.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of gun ownership today in the matter of District of Columbia v. Dick Heller, saying “The inherent right of self-defense has been central to the Second Amendment right.”

This has Chicago politicians all in a huff, because this will inevitably spawn challenges against a similar handgun ban that has been in place here for the past 26 years. Well I say “quit your fucking whining.”

As the old saying goes, if you criminalize guns, only criminals will have guns. It’s hard to argue with that. Making it illegal to own a gun only means that people who follow the law will stop owning guns. But for those who regularly scoff the law, a ban means nothing.

The Chicago Tribune quotes a related legal brief:

“Chicago, like other big cities, has a compelling interest in reducing crime related to firearms,” the brief states. ” Chicago Police Department statistics show that from 2004 to November 2007 there were 43,685 firearms-related violent crimes in the city.”

So by the city’s own police statistics admit that over an (admittedly ambiguous) period of approximately 3-4 years, there were 43,685 gun-related crimes committed in a city where gun ownership has been illegal for a two-and-one-half decades! We’re talking about somewhere between 10,000 and 14,000 per year!

This quotation mentions nothing of whether or not the victims in these crimes also owned firearms, but I’m willing to assert that they probably did not. Why? Because it’s usually the law-abiding citizen who is a victim, while it is criminals (by definition) who commit crimes.

Isn’t it easy to think that these criminals might have an inflated sense of bravado, knowing how strongly the odds suggest that whomever they point a gun at will probably be unarmed? And isn’t it also easy to imagine that they might think twice if they knew there was a good chance of their intended victim being armed and capable of defending him- or herself?

The way to reduce crime is not to ban guns, it’s to encourage them. Admittedly, this may initially result in some fatal escalations. But when the gang-bangers and the burglars realize that they don’t just have to be faster than the cops (they have to be faster than a speeding bullet!), they might reconsider their activities.

That’s my opinion. What’s yours?