@Randem

• After the Lucasfilm logo faded, the film opens with an computer-animated groundhog and I knew right away I had wasted my money. The film was rife with cutesie CG animals making stupid faces and noises. It’s Jar-Jar Binks all over again.
• Indiana Jones just happens to find himself in the middle of a nuclear testing site, just minutes before a bomb is tested. How does he survive? By locking himself inside of a refrigerator. While the entire town is melted down in the blast, somehow this single refrigerator is hurled thousands of feet — maybe even a few miles — and crashes down on rocks, breaking open. Indy exits the ‘fridge completely unharmed, just in time to observe the mushroom cloud in the distance. Come on!
• The mummified remains of an extra-terrestrial have a magnetic effect strong enough to pull lighting fixtures, but only when it’s convenient. Opening the crate containing the alien causes guns and swords and loose change to fly out of pockets and stick to the container, but only a few minutes later everyone’s guns work just fine. And why weren’t the lights already bending into the direction of the crate?
• The accents are all over the place. Cate Blanchett flip-flops between a British accent and something from a Boris and Natasha cartoon. The rest of the bad guys waver between bad, fake Russian accents and bad, fake German accents. And the double-crossing good/bad guy can’t decide if he’s English or Australian.
• And speaking of accents, we’re obviously in the McCarthy era, since Indiana Jones is being treated as a possible communist defector, but the actual communists — complete with ridiculous accents — have no problem socializing inconspicuously at the diner, or just wandering around town.
• The green-screen is painfully obvious through most of the film. Scenes occurring in large, open spaces have the entire cast bunched into small spaces. While it’s bad all the way through, the worst is at the end when the Mayan pyramids crumble and swirl in a vortex, with huge debris floating past Indiana Jones, but not so much as a speck of dust manages to hit him.
• The beards are crazy. After they leave civilization, Harrison Ford goes from clean-shaven to five-o’clock-shadow, to two-day growth, back to five-o’clock shadow, then to three-day growth, then down to next-day hangover stubble. Meanwhile, Shia LeBouf grows a dirty upper lip for five minutes and then spends the remainder of the film with a ridiculous stubble shaped like a Fu Manchu.
• The “big damn ants” managed to build a ladder out of themselves in order to reach Cate Blanchett who is hanging from a tree above them.
• After driving an amphibious car off a cliff, the crew lands safely below in a river. That’s might have been fine, but then they pilot the floating car over not one, not two, but three waterfalls of increasing size. The car incurs no damage and all five passengers emerge each time, completely unscathed — some of them still in the car!
• The punching sound effects get really old. It’s one thing to hear that loud meat-packing sound when you’re watching a close-up of a guy taking a hit. But when Indy is out fighting on the hood of a truck and the camera is following the passengers inside of the truck, the blatant punching sound effects are just too much.
• How long have the natives been hiding in the trees and in the ceiling, and basically everywhere that people don’t normally go? When do they eat? Go to the bathroom? Get exercise? What the fuck was that all about?

Big kudos to the creators of Budget Hero, the awesome federal budget simulator. One quick round of Budget Hero has a tendency to demystify all that federal budget deficit blather we hear all the time.

But here’s the thing: my biggest success came on taxes. Specifically, it came by repealing the Bush tax cuts, by capping and limiting greenhouse emissions, and by adding $0.50 to the federal gas tax. The first two are no-brainers, but that last item might bother some people.

Raising the gas tax, however, is something I strongly believe in. It would be better for the economy, better for national security, better for the budget, even better for business.

First, by making it more painful for consumers to burn gasoline, we discourage it, which reduces our dependency on foreign oil. Hummers and Escalades and other enormous SUVs will be traded, sold, converted, or sit and rust.

The second effect of increasing the pain at the pump is increased motivation for investment in alternative energy sources. Look, it’s not a search — solar power, electric power, ethanol, and natural gas are already here, but far too few people are switching. It’s still easier for people to come up with the money for gasoline than it is for them to change to a new fuel system.

A third result of increased gas tax is increased competition. This doesn’t really matter much to me, but there are a lot of people who hate the idea of Exxon-Mobil making a profit when they sell you gasoline. A $0.50 hike in prices across the board would put pressure on gas stations to keep prices lower, lest they lose business.

Fourth, it adds incentives for cities to develop or improve mass transit systems. There are too many cities where people would love to commute, but there are no options for doing so.

Oh, and let’s not forget the environmental impact of burning less gasoline.

The real issue for me, however, is competitive advantage. The economic position of the US has been slipping. We’re sinking from our position as the global leader. Raising gas tax changes that. Increased federal revenue means less borrowing. Increased innovation means industrial leadership. Oh, and a big one for me: new jobs working in these alternative energies — jobs right here in our country, rather than in India or China or Mexico.

But enough of my argument for increased gas tax. Go play the game. See what you can learn about our economy. Get a real feel for the tragic impact George Bush has had on our country, and get an idea of some of the easy and innovative things that can be done to fix it.

We believe that according the name ‘investors’ to institutions that trade actively is like calling someone who repeatedly engages in one-night stands a ‘romantic.’ — Warren Buffet

What the hell is wrong with people? Seriously. This is just another example of why religion is bad:

The half-dozen activists — Twyman, a former Miss Washington DC, the owner of a small construction company and two volunteers at a local soup kitchen — joined hands, bowed their heads and intoned a heartfelt prayer.

“Lord, come down in a mighty way and strengthen us so that we can bring down these high gas prices,” Twyman said to a chorus of “amens”.

“Prayer is the answer to every problem in life… We call on God to intervene in the lives of the selfish, greedy people who are keeping these prices high,” Twyman said on the gas station forecourt in a neighborhood of Washington that, like many of its residents, has seen better days.

“Lord, the prices at this pump have gone up since last week. We know that you are able, that you have all the power in the world,” he prayed, before former beauty queen Rashida Jolley led the group in a modified version of the spiritual, “We Shall Overcome”.

“We’ll have lower gas prices, we’ll have lower gas prices…” they sang.

Look, I’m going to be really fair and objective here. I am an atheist, but what if I’m wrong? Let’s assume that the god everyone is praying to is actually real, and not just some imaginary friend with a big beard who lives in the sky somewhere.

Well, doesn’t he have a master plan? Hasn’t he already decided what is best for his people? And shouldn’t we interpret that to mean that “God” feels like the increased price of gasoline is the only thing that will make people stop using it?

But, for sake of argument, I’m going to be even more gracious. Let’s assume that his worshipfulness can actually be swayed from a universal master plan by nothing more than the pleadings of a few people on this planet. It’s egotistical to think, I know, but let’s run with it…

Well, if that is indeed the case, and if “God” is willing to let a few people (out of the 7 billion on this earth) change his mind about the master plan, then how do we know that there aren’t an equal or greater number of people elsewhere who are praying for increased gas prices? Maybe some oil execs praying for a good financial report at the shareholders meeting. Maybe some arab nations whose entire economy rests on the revenue from their petroleum industry.

How do we know there’s not some world-wide competition underway, right now, between the red team (those who want higher prices) and the blue team (those who want lower prices)? I mean, if you’re going to suspend your disbelief enough to buy into an almighty invisible man with a master plan who feels his own will is less important than the will of some egotistical members of his cosmic science project… well… it’s really not much of a stretch to add the prayer-off competition to that enormous ball of bullshit.

Okay, now how about if we inject some reality? What if these people, instead of wasting their time talking to an invisible man, put the same amount of organization and energy into writing car companies and asking for solar-powered vehicles?

When I think of the great wastes of potential in history, tons of examples come to mind. I think of all the expensive, high-powered, imported sports cars that will never be pushed over 55 miles per hour because they’re purchased by bald men in their 50s. I think of the Betamax video players that collected dust while VHS was tops for two decades. I think of the last 50 years of Chicago Cubs baseball.

None of those scratches the surface of the atrocity that is 88 Minutes. Never mind the low-hanging fruit of a big name like Al Pacino, this movie was actually ripe with talented supporting actors who have been impressive behind the stories in many other films.

But just like a wealth of talent isn’t enough to make the Detroit Lions a good team, neither is it enough on its own to make 88 Minutes a good movie.

I have never seen such horrible scene-cutting and forced dialog in such a high-budget film. Unlike many Hollywood let-downs, 88 Minutes is dead right from the start, and then is spends the ensuing hour-and-a-half violently twitching and convulsing on the floor, heaving and bleeding out slowly but never surely.

Given the choice between watching this film or Battlefield Earth, I’d have to choose Battlefield Earth. Okay, that’s not true — I’d actually just kill myself. But I’d give serious consideration to Battlefield Earth before I pulled the trigger.

In fact… I was considering going into detail about all the elements that make this film such a bad movie, but I think I’m actually managing to successfully repress those memories. Besides… what fool would willingly relive them?

I cracked second place this time around on the caption contest. The first place submission really was funnier… but I didn’t even get an Honorable Mention for my A Few Good Men reference, which I thought was the best:

“We follow odors, son. We follow odors, or people die. It’s that simple. Are we clear?”

Part of comedy is figuring out who your audience is, and since I’m getting closer to that top position it seems fair to say that I’m starting to get an idea of what kinds of punchlines work.

Expelled has been exposed. Ben Stein’s godawful tragedy of a mockumentary has been revealed for the blubbering nonsense it really is: lying theist propaganda. The emperor has no clothes, Ben.

The strange thing is, all the awful reviews it is receiving actually make me want to have a look at this nonsense. Maybe it’s morbid curiosity. After all, I enjoy Bruce Campbell movies, too.

John McCain’s tax return statement became public last Friday, and the details raise some interesting questions in my mind. Actually, it’s one detail in particular: McCain receives a 100-percent disability pension, amounting to almost $60,000 tax-free.

The first, most obvious question is this: Is a man who is 100% disabled fit to lead our country? If elected, McCain would be the oldest man ever to enter the Presidency. Shouldn’t that fact alone require an exceptional bill of health?

I would never belittle the heroism of a man who suffered the way he did in the service of our country. There should never be any question of my respect for who he has been, but while the way in which he acquired his disability is admirable, that shouldn’t make for exceptions for his physical ability to lead this nation.

Sure, it’s not as if you need to bench-press your body weight or run a six-minute mile in order to pick up red phones or shake the hands of diplomats. But with major disabilities come increased risks for other health problems. One has to assume that McCain’s choice of running-mate would have increased likeliness of being called to fill the role of President.

The next question this brings to mind is: What does this say about his financial policy? At the rate at which he was taxed, McCain would have had to pay an extra $18,000 on this income if this income were taxed.

This is the same guy whose campaign platform includes reforming the tax code; the same guy who said, “Americans do not resent paying their rightful share of taxes - what they do resent is being subjected to thousands of pages of needless and often irrational rules and demands from the IRS.”

Considering how anxious he is to cut everybody’s tax rates — even as our national debt reaches new, unimaginable heights — McCain openly exploits a “100% disability” loophole to save money and not pay taxes. What does that say about him? Apparently, Americans do not resent paying taxes, but he does.