@Randem

I don’t know how this has been around for so long and I never saw it before. This is premium fodder for my crusade against fundamentalism.

Apparently, Dr. Laura — who, by the way, is not an actual doctor nor is she qualified to speak on issues of morality or spirituality — spouted off at the mouth about homosexuality, using the classic Leviticus 18:22 argument. This open letter to Dr. Laura was published online shortly thereafter, pointing out in humorous fashion the flaws in her reasoning.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Lev. 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

This is great. Most Christians have no problem with a biblical law allowing them to avoid a woman on her menstrual period, nor do they have a problem with a religious excuse for having Sundays off. But how willing would they be to put someone to death for working on the Sabbath?

Every Christian I know would immediately spout off about Satanism if they saw a bull burning on an altar as a sacrifice. They would never own slaves nor sell their own daughter into slavery. They certainly would see no sin in eating shellfish… or pork. And all of them trim the hair around their temples and shave their beards.

This exposes the principle flaw in using the Bible as a justification for your own bigotry. As Ann Lamott said, “You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” (Quote of the day, 4/19/06)

I would be willing to bet that any statement, regardless of how absurd, could be defended by selectively quoting a verse from the Bible. Care to try me? We can make a game of it. Give me a ridiculous opinion, and I’ll find you a verse to support it.