@Randem

These days, it’s become fashionable to be a nazi right-winger. If you don’t watch Fox News, support the troops, and worship Jesus, this “you’re in the wrong country&rdquo. And whenever these radical fundamentalists encounter an idea that doesn’t match with their own, they write it off, and call you part of the Blame America First crowd.

Well let me tell you why I’m in that crowd… why maybe we should blame America first… why right-wingers love to hate me.

My Passport
On May 31st, I dug out my birth certificate and went down to the nearest post office that is listed as doing passport services. The State Department web site, where I found the information, said this office offered passport services Monday through Friday from 10am until 4pm. Well I went there on my lunch break (at noon) and was greeted by a sign on the door that said “passport services are only available from 10:00-12:00 and 2:00-4:00. So our government doesn’t even have any idea what its own operations are!

Okay, so I went back the next week at 11:00 and the sign was no longer on the door. Whatever. I filled out the form, got my pictures taken, gave the lady my birth certificate, and paid a bunch of money for expedited service. That was June 7th.

Well, my passport arrived June 29th, and I anxiously rushed over to pick it up, excited that I could now leave the country and go to all those places I’ve been wanting to go. But when I opened it, I found my name misspelled. Well, I was headed out of town, so I decided to deal with it when I got back.

The following week, I went back to the State Department’s web site and found the page that tells what to do if the information is incorrect. It said if the passport is 30 days old or less, you can send the passport back, along with a letter explaining the correction needed, and proof of the proper information — in this case, a photocopy of my driver’s license. So I typed up the letter, photocopied my license, put these things into an envelope with my passport and sent it all by USPS next day air, to make sure it got there well before the 30 days were up.

I then waited for two weeks. Anxious, I checked my mail last night and found an envelope from the State Department in Miami. Hurray, finally! Wrong. They put the letter, the photocopy, and the passport into an envelope, and added a checklist and a DS-5504 form and sent it back to me. The checklist says I need 2 new photos, I have to complete the form again, and I have to submit my birth certificate again… and if I want it in a timely manner, I should send this all by Express mail, and include a self-address Express mail envelope for them to send it back in.

So now, a passport that should have cost about $97 has already cost me in excess of $150 and now I have to pay for new photos and next day airmail both ways. And a process that can be completed in one day if you do it in person is now going to take a third month to complete.

And why is all of this? It because my name is Randall, but some ignorant, idiotic, illiterate piece of shit in Miami though that Randal was good enough. In actuality, I could probably fly all over the world and just tell them my name is Randal, and I’d be fine. But if I ever lost my passport and had to get a new one from the US Embassy, they’d start asking me a bunch of questions and I’d never be allowed back into the US. All because of some idiot in OUR government.

Lots of Room For Error
Now here’s the thing… Based on that, how can I ever trust any information that comes from our government? If they can’t spell a name right — even though they’re copying it directly from the birth certificate! — how can they get anything else right?

How can you tell me that Moussaui is a terrorist, when he might have a similar name to that of an actual terrorist, but since you spelled it wrong in the computer, he’s fucked and the terrorist is free?

How can you ensure me that the people getting tortured in Guantanamo Bay are guilty of anything at all, when they could be nothing more than victims of a careless typographical error?

Remember when we went to war because Iraq supposedly had weapons of mass destruction? And remember how four years later, we still haven’t found any evidence of that? Meanwhile, Iran has steadily worked at developing nuclear power and we know they have all manner of other WMDs. What if that intelligence was another case of typographical error? What if another careless government worker in some little office at the Department of State typed I-R-A-Q, when she meant to type I-R-A-N?

Summary
I read a lot of web sites — a lot of professional web sites — which contain spelling errors. I’ve read TONS of emails with spelling and grammatical errors. I’ve spent my share of time on instant messaging systems, and I’m quite familiar with text messaging on cell phones, and both are riddled with misspellings.

People don’t bother any more. Our education system has failed to teach us, and our free market has failed to make us care about our lousy educations. Yet people with poor grammar skills can get a job creating official documents for the US Government. Can you honestly tell me without a doubt that anybody else but America should be blamed for the state of the nation?

I’m not saying that a typo caused the war. Nobody can prove that, and it’s unlikely. But IT IS possible. That’s a reality that we need to face. It’s a reality that we need to change. And it’s nobody’s fault but ours, so yes… we should blame America first.

Yes, I hate rednecks. Yes, I hate NASCAR. No, driving around in circles all day is NOT a sport. But that’s not the reason for my opinion. There are people who don’t like things that I like, and this is the USA, where we talk about “freedom”. I’m all for freedom, so I’ve always gone about my merry way and exercised my freedom to bitch about Nascar knowing it will never make a difference.

But more and more, I can’t help thinking that this organization is the epitome of the corpulent excess that will be the undoing of our country. If the Colosseum symbolized the height of Roman excess, then Talladega symbolizes ours.

Driving around in circles is not a sport.

The very mentality of NASCAR and its fans embodies the modern American ideal of consumption as a sport. This is the hot dog eating contest, the pie/bratwurst/donut/burrito eating contest, the drinking game, the hunting or fishing trip… this is game of overconsumption taken to an exponential extreme.

Of course, I’m talking about petroleum.

You see, it seems like every day I hear someone complain about the price of gas. Oil reaches $80/barrel. Gasoline reaches over $3/gallon. It’s becoming more and more common for people to spend $50 or more on gasoline every week. They all want to complain about it, of course, and I want to feel sorry for them, but then after they’re done complaining I see them get into their Suburbans, their Escalades, their Explorers, their Hummers and drive away. And right there, on the back window, is their #24 sticker, or their checkered flag.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I can’t. You’re the one burning 18 barrels of petroleum every day just pulling your 6,000-lb truck all over town. You’re the one who thought that an SUV might be the best choice of vehicle for a single person driving 30-40 miles a day. Fuck you.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I can’t.

You’re the one blocking the view in front of me when I’m sitting in the left turn lane. You’re the one blinding me with your headlights from behind. Yes, you’re god damn right you should pay a fucking premium for that. Eat it and smile, asshole.

You’re the ones, lined up by the hundreds or even thousands, around a giant stadium watching the height of civilization: the needless waste of a limited and expensive natural resource. And then complaining to ME about it.

Let’s just imagine, for a moment, that auto racing was outlawed. What difference would that make? How much fuel is consumed by just one car during the Indy 500? And how many cars are in that race? And don’t forget the qualifying race? And how many semi trucks per crew to get the cars, supplies, and people to that race… for each crew? And how many races in a year? How does 2 million gallons sound?

And don’t forget the fuel required to get all of those thousands of redneck assholes into the stands. In their SUVs. Many of them coming hundreds of miles to see the race.

But wait. That’s all before we consider how many other things depend on petroleum. There’s the oil in the track. There’s petroleum required for all of those tires they burn up on that track. Belts. Hoses. Molded plastic parts galore. Plastic seats. It goes on and on.

Now think of the environmental impact. All of that is not only consumption of oil pulled out of the ground… it’s also hydrocarbons going into the air. It’s global warming. It’s smog. It’s pollution. It’s lung cancer and skin cancer.

And for what? What did you get out of it? An afternoon of watching advertisements pass you over and over again. You got the chance to see a few dozen jerkoffs turn left a couple thousand times without ever having to turn right. And who knows? Maybe you were lucky and got to see a few of those dickheads crash. Woohoo! Cool! Fuck you.

I’m really getting quite tired of the simple-minded, xenophobic hate-speach that’s going around lately.

I’ve had enough of people complaining about having to “press 1 for English”. What? Would you prefer that the English language be option 4? or 7? I understand you’re looking for a humorous way camouflage your bigoted desire for people to speak your language, but this one isn’t it. It’s not a logical or well-constructed thought and it doesn’t hide your asshole opinion very well, either.

In fact, if you call yourself an American, you owe it to yourself to consider just exactly what “America” is. America is the new world… the continents of North America and South America. It’s a very big place, and one that is mostly Spanish-speaking. So let’s be clear on this: English is America’s second language. So now that you feel like an idiot, how about a big “Welcome to America… now learn the language!” for all of you ignorant, non-spanish-speaking assholes complaining about immigrants.

Let’s take a look at this email I received recently:

This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa, FL Newspaper. He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!

Okay, first thing to notice is that all bullshit chain letters start out with some vague claim to make it sound true. Notice, however, that they don’t name which newspaper it’s from. Maybe that’s because they’re afraid people will look for records in the Tampa Tribune or the St. Petersburg Times and find out that this is bullshit.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However…… the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct! ” crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I think we can all agree that no editorial would be published in any major newspaper in this country with six periods following the word however. The editor would have changed that to a comma.

We continue.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans…… we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

Dillute our culture? Are you kidding me? Which culture was that? Is it the abuse of the native Americans, Chinese, Japanese, Mexicans, black people, women, and veterans that you miss so much? Or maybe it’s the crime lords of Chicago in the 20s and New York in the 70s that you miss. Slavery, gang warfare, school riots, domestic violence, mass-murdering child-molesting cannibals — if a few million border-crossers have dilluted that, I say let them come!

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

Don’t forget to throw in Yiddish — or is it not cool to lump in all of your favorite actors and comedians into this redneck bigotry rant.

FYI, English is NOT our national language… it belongs to a little country called England. You know, the one we declared independence from! The United States does not have an official national language. If you can’t deal with that, it’s YOU who are ignorant, not the millions of Americans (yes, it’s called North and South AMERICA) who don’t speak the Queen’s language.

“In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women…….on Christian principles…………. founded this nation….. and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home………because God is part of our culture.

The phrase “In God We Trust” had nothing to do with our founding fathers, nor with any of their principles. It was adopted by Congress in 1956, a year in which many of the recipients of your xenophobic email were alive. The fact is that our country was founded in rebellion to the idea of a national religion, and opinions like this are in direct contradiction to the very principles you claim to be supporting.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining……. whining…… and griping…… about our flag……. our pledge…… our national motto…….or our way of life….I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom……. THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

In case he missed it before, the editor certainly would not have missed the horrible use of punctuation here. I’m tired of people forwarding emails around and just assuming they’re true, rather than actually reading and thinking about them.

This is my favorite part, where we’re encouraged to stop whining about the flag, the pledge, the motto, and the way of life, after a paragraphs-long example of exactly that: whining about the flag, the pledge, the motto, and the way of life.

This is NOT “our country, our land, and our lifestyle”. I remember a certain bunch of people we now refer to as Native Americans — really, the Cherokee, the Sioux, the Lacota, etc. People who owned this land long before we did, and who didn’t care a great deal about our beliefs. We solved the problem by exterminating them. Remember that from your history books at all? Would you like to encourage our immigrants to adopt the same “American” attitude?

It is Time for America to Speak up If you agree — pass this along; if you don’t agree — delete it - You are in the WRONG Country!

AMEN

Okay, even if we assume that this was published in a Tampa, FL Newspaper [sic], I still don’t see what credibility or authority that gives the author to tell me that I’m in the WRONG country. I think I’ve successfully demonstrated that it’s more likely the author, and those who pass this hatemail around, who are in the wrong country. After all, it appears to be they who hate us for our freedom!

This is juvenile, redneck hate-speech and it’s not welcome in my inbox. Anyone who calls this American, or patriotic should be shot for treason.

I’m a highly skilled person, and I have a relatively desirable skill set, so I tend to get a lot of phone calls and a lot of emails from IT recruiters… and there’s something that’s been bugging me for a while now.

If I’m looking for a job — and why else would you be contacting me if that’s not your assumption? — then it stands to reason that I’m going to be most interested in what fucking jobs you might be able to offer me. ¿N’est-çe pas? Yet for some reason, these people always send a form-letter email, obviously hand-crafted by some PR lunatic from a planet where the sun never sets, that tells me two sentences about the job and two pages about the recruiter!

For example:

Hello Randall,
I am a recruiter with Asshole, Inc. Asshole is a Fortune 1000 company with over 20 years of experience in the staffing industry. We offer a choice of opportunities that will utilize your experience within some of the world’s top companies. With the latest resources, salary comparisons, interview coaching, and resume preparation, we’ll help you find the position you’ve always wanted!

I have a developer position available in Armpit, US. It is a 6-month contract-to-hire for a Java developer. Let me know if you’re interested.

We continuously open doors to top quality positions for professionals with your skills. We provide our candidates with exceptional service and treat individuals with personal respect. Asshole is the employer of choice for many of the most qualified professionals in your industry.

Call or e-mail me today to learn about the immediate opportunities listed above or many others. Or, if you know someone that would be the RIGHT match for Asshole, please feel free to forward this e-mail.

Sincerely,
Fred Flintstone
Senior Staffing Specialist
Asshole, Inc

So is it just me, or does it look like the second paragraph was written by someone else and inserted later? Of course it does, because it was! The PR department took a big shit on a piece of paper, planted tulips in it, and handed it to the management who said “yes, we’ll use this!” Then, the one technical person in the office built it into the email program so the recruiters could merge the job description into the document and send it. Unfortunately, I have to read that whole thing just to find out that there’s a Java job available in Armpit, USA.

News flash: There are Java jobs available in every fucking city in the U.S. of A. If I’m not going to be working for Asshole IT Staffing, Inc, then I really don’t care about your company. I’m not impressed by terms like “Fortune 1000” and “over 20 years”. And who decided that there could be senior staffing specialists? You’re a phone jockey. A glorified salesman. Stop posturing.

I want to know about the place in the Armpit of the US. I want to know if I’ll be sitting in a tire factory smelling molten polybutadiene while writing software to track suicide attempts in the plant, or if I’ll have a comfortable, air-conditioned office in a financial center where I’ll write accounting software. I want to know if they wear suits and ties, or bibs and flanels. I want to know if there’s a real, honest-to-god owner and president, or if there are just a bunch of disenfranchised stockholders and a self-important board of directors.

Is it really asking that much?

Tags: rant, staffing, jobs

…cell phones will be banned. There will be no more loud guy in the line at the bank who thinks I care about his business. No more irritating lady in the grocery store yelling into her phone “What? I didn’t hear that. No, the phone is breaking up.” No more loud ringer in the middle of a movie, or a speech, or during a wedding. No more Bluetooth headsets on the ears of every dork I see. No more 50dB ring tone from the cubicle next to me while I work. No more Nextel beep.

In place of cell phones, I will install a wireless text-messaging system. It will not have a ringer… just a simple LED that changes color when you’ve received a message. Expensive models can vibrate. There will be a 200-character limit on messages to prevent people from rambling on and on. It will be seamlessly compatible with internet-based chat clients, and it will be illegal to use one while driving. I don’t mind if it plays music… through a headphone jack. I don’t even mind if you want to check sports scores or watch videos on it. But I don’t want it disturbing ME any more.

…popcorn will be banned from office buildings. In fact, there will be no microwaves in any area where people have to work and smell that nasty food some fat-ass wants to shovel into their mouth. Try a slim fast, they’re good for you and I don’t have to smell it.

Okay, folks, it’s getting ridiculous now. It’s time for a reality check, and I may have to rant a bit here.

It’s been over 500 years since the church taught us the world was flat and a guy with a boat went and proved that wrong. I like to think we’ve come a long way in 500 years, but it appears now that scientists have to lobby churches to support their findings. How long are we going to have this ridiculous argument between churches — who have NO proof — and science, which is all about proof.

So here’s your wake up call: a Belgian newspaper published some cartoons a couple of weeks ago that Muslims found offensive, and since then Muslims have spent their time in the streets, burning American flags and assaulting US embassies. Go back and read that again. A Belgian disrespects Islam, and they turn their hatred on America in response.

Radical people are not hard to find in a radical religion, and here’s a news flash: it’s now the most popular religion in the world. They’re not arguing about evolution, they’re attacking US embassies! One protestester said “Suicide bombings! Prepare for a bomb!”

Now… maybe we can put away this stupid anti-evolution campaign. Maybe we can all grow up. It’s a serious world out there, and we’re in the heart of it, whether we like it or not. Fuck evolution. Fuck abortion. Fuck your stupid religious dogma.

Four-and-a-half years ago, these crazies attacked us. They killed thousands of people and forever changed the face of our country. Their hatred is our suffering, and every time we forget that fact we will be doomed to relive it.

Your idiotic religious dogma produced a president who was asleep on the job when the attack bells were ringing… a president who pulled out of Tora Bora and let the evil mastermind get away… a president who created thousands — maybe even millions — more enemies for our country when he led us to war in Iraq… a president whose only qualifications for the job were that he likes war, hates fags, and wouldn’t mind getting all that evolution mumbo-jumbo out of the schools.

Fuck your bigotry. Fuck your simple-mindedness. Fuck your rewriting of history. While you argue about unintelligent design, Osama bin Laden is out there taunting us.

He’s still out there. And he doesn’t care whether we learn about evolution or intelligent design. He doesn’t care who wins the gold medal in the downhill slalom. He doesn’t care about global warming, or abortion, or taking the Christ out of Christmas.

He’s out there. And he’s not alone.

I hate cell phones. No, it’s not just because they’re irritating — and they are, with the obnoxious ringtones, and the walkie-talkie features that only seem to be used in banks, libraries, and grocery stores. It’s not just because they’re dangerous — and they are, especially when the idiot in front of you is trying to look up a phone number on his dancing, bouncing color screen using only the up/down button on the side of the handset. No, those are good reasons to hate cell phones, but they’re not MY reason. I hate cell phones because they represent what our society has become: self-indulging, self-centered, self-important.

Everyone knows that using cell phones while driving is bad… you won’t get any argument from anyone about that. And if you bring up the topic, everyone in the room will tell you the same thing: “Oh, not me. I try never to use my phone when I’m driving.” But then one-by-one as they all leave, you can see them already dialing the phone as they fumble with their car keys to open the door. Nobody admits to doing it, but when I look around as I drive I see that everyone is doing it.

Everyone knows that ring tones irritate people. They also know that the ringtone doesn’t sound anything like the song they thought they were downloading. Doesn’t matter, it’s self-indulgence. So what do they do? They crank up that ring tone as loud as it will go, of course. Hey, you’ve got to be able to hear your phone ring when you’re at the club, you know. And they do! They answer the fucking phone while standing next to a subwoofer in a dance club and expect to carry on a conversation!

Hands free kits? People don’t buy them because they need their hands to be free… in the last 80 or more years, we’ve perfected the art of pressing the shoulder against the back of the phone. And really, people these days don’t have so much to do that they can’t use one hand to hold a phone. Come on, people don’t even use both hands to drive! No, the only reason people like hands-free kits is because they love accessories that make them look important.

And that’s the real reason cell phones are so popular: people want to look important. In the ’80s, you only needed the phone to sit in your car, plugged into your cigarette lighter. In the ’90s, you only needed to set the phone down on your table at the bar or restaurant. But now it’s the ’00s, and everybody has a cell phone. If you want to look important, you’ve got to be fielding calls every hour from dozens of people who apparently can’t make any decisions on their own. And with a wire hanging out of your ear, you can do it in style.

Nobody has time any more. Customers at the 7-Eleven are holding up the line while they talk to their shoulder. The clerk behind the counter is taking too long, and miscounting your change, because she’s got a phone pressed to her ear. It’s like this everywhere you go, and nobody apologizes. In fact, they look at you as if YOU are rude, for interrupting their conversations with all this irritating business of paying for things.

The cell phone has become the central part of our lifestyle, the item around which all other things revolve. You have guests over - maybe even a party - only to have every card game, every movie, every great drinking game interrupted as the whole room gets up and looks around whenever Mozart’s 40th Symphony plays in all it’s electronic splendor.

We’ve all turned into Pavlov’s dog. Watch the pain cross someone’s face if they don’t answer their phone as it rings. Look… unless you’re waiting for the results of that biopsy, it can wait. That’s what voicemail is for. That’s what vibrate mode is for. Those features exist so you can answer your phone when it’s convenient… or appropriate. So do me a favor, and wait until you’re out of my presence to have your one-sided conversation.

As John Edwards continues to try to save face, all he is doing is sticking his foot deeper into his mouth. That would be fine, if it was only he who suffered for it, but that’s not the case.

John Edwards’s fragmenting talk and press-release style of disagreement with Howard Dean will continue to scare off potential newcomers to the Democratic party. Sure, Joe Biden is in on it too, but Edwards wants to be president - nobody cares about Biden. While Edwards is busy trying to make the registered Democrats vote for him, Dean is out there busting his balls trying to get registered Republicans to vote Democrat… and succeeding.

As Andrew Sullivan runs his yap in favor of Hillary Clinton, he should really be paying more attention to Howard Dean. Dean is single-handedly rebuilding an entire political party from the ground up. He’s energizing the base, he’s finding new supporters, he’s bringing in record amounts of money, and he’s doing it all without selling his soul to corporate powers.