@Randem

I cracked second place this time around on the caption contest. The first place submission really was funnier… but I didn’t even get an Honorable Mention for my A Few Good Men reference, which I thought was the best:

“We follow odors, son. We follow odors, or people die. It’s that simple. Are we clear?”

Part of comedy is figuring out who your audience is, and since I’m getting closer to that top position it seems fair to say that I’m starting to get an idea of what kinds of punchlines work.

The results of the latest creative humor writing contest are in. The theme was quirky job placements.

I didn’t crack the top three, but I submitted three one-liners, and all three of them (politics, sanitation, computers) were listed among the honorable mention. Judging by some of the others in the list, however, I’m guessing it didn’t take much to get honorable mention this time around…

Finally, a rap that I can relate to.

I didn’t even get honorable mention for my submission to the latest caption contest.

Okay, now open up and say “aaaarrrrggghhhhh”…

I’m not saying it was the best, but seriously? You didn’t even think it was worth honorable mention at the bottom of the page?

With elections coming, there’s a lot of discussion about The War Against Terror (TWAT). TWAT is going to be a big issue when you go to the poll, so I think it’s important to understand all the ins and outs.

First, it comes as no surprised that TWAT was first proposed during the Clinton administration. It was well known that Bin Laden wanted to blow our towers. (He had already tried to do it once in the garage.) The proposal, however, came at the end of Clinton’s term, so it was decided that the next administration should be given the reigns in deciding how to proceed, so TWAT was handed to Bush, whose was debriefed early in his term.

Bush dropped the ball. Bush and Dick didn’t take TWAT seriously, so they didn’t use protection. The end result: a 19-man mile-high club blew our towers. That got Bush hot and bothered, and he responded by shooting his load in Afghanistan.

The real problems started, though, when Bush and Dick got bent, and decide to go after Iraq in search of lubrication. The oval office thought the Iraqis would welcome us openly, so they just charged right in to the dry climate, without any foreplay.

As it turns out, the Iraqis didn’t really want it, they were just caught up in the moment. And then it got out that Bush and Dick were lying, saying whatever they had to just to get some action. At one point, they changed positions and Colin got irritated.

Nobody was prepared. Our guys were inserted without adequate protection and they’ve been pounding away at TWAT for quite some time. The friction has been intense, and lately they’re even experiencing surges. The whole thing seems ready to blow, and now the question is whether we should pull out, or stay in and make a long-term commitment.

If our guys pull out, they can come home and get some rest, and be ready to party next weekend. But Bush wants to stay in, because he wants to give birth to a new democracy. But the problem is, we were never committed to Iraq, we just wanted to get in their plants, and if you give birth without commitment you end up paying for it for the next 20 years.

As far as I can tell, the real issue is that Bush thinks he’s already sown the seeds of democracy, and he’s against aborting, so he thinks there’s only one thing left to do. But other people disagree; they think that we haven’t climaxed yet, and that we can avoid a big mistake before it’s too late.

It comes down to this: Bush tried to date-rape the middle east, knock them up, and then leave us paying child support… but our country can’t even afford our own children. Sometimes, it’s better to pull out.

Well, I hit the #3 spot on HumorPowerTips for my response to a recent write-in joke theme. But #3 isn’t a winner, it’s the second loser. Now I’m going to be training like Rocky, eating raw eggs, tying my feet together while I chase chickens across the road, slipping the jab with my punchlines… Next month, victory will be mine! Muuaaaahhahahaahaahah!!!!!

You’re riding down in the elevator, and you reach the lobby. The doors open, and before you get a chance to move, there are a dozen people already pushing into the elevator before it’s even empty. It happens every day.

The crowd in the lobby doesn’t even wait to see if there are actually people on the elevator… they just see the doors open and start climbing in… only acknowledging your presence if they happen to bump into you on their self-concerned journey to the upper floors.

It’s rude. And I don’t stand for it. When I’m riding in an elevator, I stand directly in front of the door once I get near my destination floor. When the doors open I stand firm, blocking entrance for anyone who doesn’t give me space to exit.

We’ve all been that hurried passenger, anxious to get into the elevator. But why do some people eventually slow down and look while others never learn?

How might the various schools of thought answer this question? Let’s see…

Social determinism
The passengers who wait calmly must come from better homes and have higher education, whereas those who push their way into the elevator without concern for people trying to exit must come from broken homes with divorced parents, and have attended bad schools.

Environmental determinism
The patient people who wait for the elevator to empty must come from warmer climates, which formed lazy, relaxed attitudes, while the impatient people are from colder climates and have a more driven work ethic.

Evolutionary psychology
There were no elevators in the Savannah, so our minds are not evolved to deal with the conditions of vertical transportation.

Chaos theory
A pigeon flapping its wings in the promenade outside caused a chain reaction of events eventually leading to the urgency, or lack thereof, of passengers to enter the elevator car.

Freudian psychology
The lobby is a cold, scary place, and passengers long to enter the warm, womb-like safety of the elevator… no doubt due to some repressed sexual desire for their parents. The patient ones are simply repressing their oedipal sexual urges to penetrate the elevator.

Jungian psychology
Those who push their way into the elevator without empathy for the passengers trying to exit have very repressed shadow selves due to failure to admit their own failures, shortcomings, and weaknesses.

Pavlovian psychology
After being hit by the closing doors, or being left behind for not boarding the elevator fast enough, people eventually learn to enter the elevator as forcefully as necessary in order to get aboard and avoid negative stimuli.

Then there’s Randem Psychology. My theory is simple: those who push their way into the elevator, ignoring the passengers who try to exit, are inconsiderate, self-absorbed, rude. They’re assholes, and they need to be knocked down a peg. And that’s why I block the door and prevent their entry until they make room for the current passengers to exit.

This is an awesome flyer for an awesome dog. It even has an awesome web site.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this dog had real, ultimate power, and occasionally flipped out and killed people… maybe with a roundhouse kick to the head!

Today I was inspired to have a look at some of recent history’s worst book titles. Here are some samples of what I found:

Fart Proudly (link)

How Green Were The Nazis? (link)

Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium (link)

How To Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? (link)

Damn. That last title was so funny we have to take a moment and read the book’s description:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

The winner, as far as I’m concerned, is the children’s book depicted at the right.

I really love the internet. Where else can the unsung heroes of society really get an opportunity to exploit their talents, and have fun doing it?

Today’s unsung hero is the instructional poster artist. You know, like the guy that draws the pictures on that laminated card in the back of the airplane seat. Or, in this case, the web page illustrating how to steal the arm rest from the passenger next to you.