Apparently I’m not the only one who’s figured this out.
Archive for July, 2009
The Twitter Decoder! (or what we really see when we ready your updates)
The phenomenon of Twitter has proven to be an awesome tool for revolution in Iran… but for the rest of the world it is too often used by tools of idiocy. The interesting irony about Twitter is that so many people continue to post bullshit, even though they are fully aware that everyone else is posting bullshit! Odds are, you’re probably guilty of the following…
twitter.com/images/default_profile_normal.png" width="48" height="48"> you Mmm Mexican food again. Yum!
What we read: I’m so bored. What can I do? Well, I’ve got Twitter… maybe that will give me something to do. Hmm… what to write about… Dammit, I have nothing cool to say. Fuck this, I’m going to eat. Shit, all I’ve got is the leftover burrito from yesterday.
Advice: Cure your boredom with activities instead of food, or you’ll end up fat.
you I’m in Detroit. (Or Seattle. Or Alabama. Or Egypt.)
What we read: Travel is so cool, and I’m finally doing it. Woohoo! Look at me, everybody — I’m travelling! That’s right! I really get around! I went to a place! One that’s not where I normally am! Fuck it, I’m not even going to try to be clever in my delivery… I’m just going to come right out and say it. I am somewhere.
Advice: Yay for you. You left point A and arrived at point B. Now do something interesting or else shut the fuck up.
you Sailors in my kitchen cooking me pancakes at 3am. It’s great to be me!
What we read: Wow, I finally got laid. I’ve got to tell everybody. Oh, wait, if I tell people I finally got laid, they’ll know how desperate I am… and if I leave out the word finally, they’ll just think I’m a slut. Hmmm… I know, I’ll talk about something completely unrelated and make it look like I’m frickin’ awesome. In fact, I’ll even come right out and tell everybody I’m awesome so they’re sure to get it!
Advice: Face it. You’re a slut, and not even a good one. You’re the worst kind — the slut who rarely gets laid. Sex is not a badge. It does not make you cool. (Well, unless you know how to do that thing with the orange juice and the tuning fork…)
you Can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I’m going to bed.
What we read: Gosh, I really want to believe that there are people out there who are going to be disappointed when my updates stop, and who wonder where their entertainment went. I need them to know that nothing bad has happened to me, I’m just going to bed. Okay, I know that nobody cares. I really just want somebody to acknowledge me. I’m going to stay up for at least 20-30 more minutes and see if anyone tweets back a goodnight for me.
Advice: If you want people to find you interesting, do something interesting. Going to bed is not interesting.
you I spent $120 at a bar last night.
What we read: Hey everybody! I’m a party animal, I promise. I have actually spent real money — we’re talking three digits on my bar tab! And that’s BEFORE the tip! You are all missing out by not hanging out with me. Everywhere I go. Ever. I’m fucking awesome.
Advice: No. You’re not awesome. If you spend less than $100 on a night out, it doesn’t even count. And people aren’t impressed until your tab gets into four digits. Not that drinking is really that impressive anyway… it’s the spending part that impresses people. Get a hobby.
you It’s a nice day. I don’t want to be at work.
What we read: Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? What do you even do with Twitter?
Advice: Holy fucking shit, Batman. Like we all can’t look outside and see that it’s a nice day out. News flash: NOBODY wants to be at work right now. We’d all rather be outside enjoying the weather. Thanks for reminding us, though, lest we forget that life sucks. From now on, you are not allowed to speak unless you have something worth saying.