The secret to great photography is great lighting. The camera doesn’t matter at all. The lens only matters a little. The most important element of any photo is the lighting. Lighting casts shadows which define shapes, tell stories, add drama. Lighting is what paints the mood on your subject. Used well, lighting can make the dullest subject interesting; used poorly, lighting can make the most interesting subject dull.

It turns out that shooting photos of naked people in public places can be rather irritating. Why? Because the unavoidable spectators have no class. People can’t just shut up and enjoy the fact that a girl took off all of her clothes for you to see… they have to shout endless, low-class instructions and comments at her. I’m going to give some thought to how I can avoid this unpleasantness in the future.

Many photographers complain about a problem understanding models. They look at a model’s portfolio and see more skin than clothing — photos where the model is CLEARLY not wearing anything — but is says right in the profile that she absolutely refuses to pose nude!

The nudity policies of the average model used to confuse me. But now, I believe I’ve cracked the code.

You see, guys, women don’t think like men. Men need logical labels that tell exactly what things are. (The dictionary? That was obviously a man’s invention!)

Women don’t think that way. They use codes for everything. They like labels that are confusing. But remember… those labels are only confusing to men; to women, they make perfect sense!

So now, to the best of my knowledge, here is what these female models say, decoded into what they actually mean, when it comes to their self-imposed limits in photography:

• NO NUDES (in all caps) = I’m doing this because people always said I was pretty, and that I should be a model. In six months, I’ll either have moved on, or opened my mind. But for now, count on me being a pain in the ass.
• Only implied nudity = I’ll take off my top and cover my nipples with my hands. For the right person I might even take off my bottoms. But I don’t want my nipples or genital area to be visible in any photos. This way, if my mom or someone from my church sees the photos, I can lie, and blame the photographer (that’s you!) for sneaking a shot while I was changing. Pervert! But if they see my nipple, then God will find out what a dirty dirty sinner I really am.
• “and only with select photographers I trust” = Basically, this means there’s one really cute guy I’m sleeping with, and all of my nudes were shot by him. But you’re never going to sleep with me, so you’re never going to shoot me nude, so don’t ask.
• Topless = I like my tits, and I like when other people look at them. I’m also comfortable with you calling them “tits”. As long as my pants stay on, my toplessness gives me power. Everybody wants me. I’m such a hottie.
• Artistic nudes = Let’s not kid anybody. You and I both know that 90% of the photos taken under the label “artistic nudes” are not the least bit artistic. You’re new to photography, and you think naked females will make your pictures turn out better, and I’m okay with feeding that fallacy as long as you’re paying me. Just remember to use medical terminology when telling me how to pose.
• Full nude = I can see you looking at my labia between shots, but I’m okay with that because I don’t feel threatened by you, and because you’re paying me more money than I’m really worth.
• Adult nude = I’m horny, got a camera? I’m so turned on by people looking at me! (I might even masturbate for you, but don’t tell anyone! Hehe)
• Erotic nude = Same as adult nude, but you can tell people. I’m also interested in making out with other women. Know any?
• Erotic = For the right price, I’ll have sex with someone… maybe even you.