Sometimes you have an idea floating around in your head for days, even weeks, and you think you’ve got the whole thing worked out, but then the winning detail turns out to be a fluke. That’s the case here, where a brief moment of jest provided exactly the “twist” I needed to really make this photo work.

I have spent an incredible amount of time studying the Russian language in recent months, and a vital part of learning a new language is hearing (and understanding) it spoken. To this end, I have been watching a lot of Russian movies and Russian-dubbed movies, as well as a lot of American movies with Russian speaking in them. Sadly, those American films are mostly turning out to be more of a joke than a learning tool.

Recent films I’ve watched have included Hitman, Lord of War, and The Saint, while Cold War-era films have included such favorites as Rocky IV, Red Dawn, and Spies Like Us. While those newer films aren’t as iconic, the older ones are largely ingrained in the social fabric of the US, and that’s why I have been somewhat disheartened by what I’m seeing as I go back and watch them in this new way.

Starting with Rocky IV, which was the easy “go-to” movie for a guy looking to test his new language skills, it’s quickly apparent how pathetic that film really was. Judging by their accents, and their poor understanding of the Russian language, I doubt that there were any actual Russians involved in the making of that movie! And worse, it’s filled with Cold War propaganda, such as the portrayal of the Russians as evil, heartless rule-breakers, while the Americans are honest and virtuous. Gag me.

But it gets worse. Red Dawn was very memorable, having been the only mainstream film to depict a successful Soviet invasion of the US… yet once again I doubt that any actual Russians were involved in the making of the film. The biggest speaking roles (in Russian) were given to people who knew nothing about grammar. In fact, it became quite clear that the Russian dialog was written in English and then simply translated word-for-word into Russian, because grammatically it didn’t make any sense in Russian. And in terms of propaganda, let’s just say that the film opens with a depiction of Soviet troops invading a school and shooting children. Wow.

In comparison, it’s Spies Like Us, a comedy film, that was most fair. In this film, Soviets are depicted as people similar to Americans, with seemingly equal ability and technology. And while there were a few strange accents, there were also a few genuinely Russian accents. It’s typical of Hollywood, that only a comedy could be honest. Or maybe it’s typical of life, that reality is funnier than fiction.

The earliest post-Soviet Russian film I’ve watched so far was The Saint, and I think it’s been the best — probably because they used real Russians… in Russia! (With the exception, of course, of a Croatian playing the most prominent Russian role.) Not much Russian dialog, however, so while it was a reasonable (if exaggerated) depiction of the country at that time, it wasn’t much use as a practice tool.

For the most part, I found Lord of War simply offensive. How do you cast Nicholas Cage and Jared Leto as a pair of Jewish Ukrainian brothers? I don’t believe either one of them has a drop of Jewish or eastern-European blood in them, and fortunately neither of them tried to speak more than one or two words of Russian on screen. The portrayal of post-Soviet Ukraine was probably mostly fair, if limited by the plot. However, once again, it fails miserably as a practice tool.

And then there’s Hitman. Most of the time, I couldn’t tell if it was really taking place in Russia, or if it was just some Hollywood sound stage. I tend to lean toward the latter, though, since some of the buildings had blatant spelling errors in the Cyrillic characters. Most of the Russians were played by good ol’ American country boys, and the vocabulary was pretty limited.

With the large number of authentic Russians to choose from, why is Hollywood still selecting country boys to portray Russians on screen? What would happen if they tried to do that with Latino roles?

And with the Cold War long since ended, why are there still so few movies being filmed on location in former Soviet countries?