“Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.” -Napoleon Bonaparte

In the movie Brewster’s Millions, Montgomery Brewster (Richard Pryor) learns that he is to be the heir to an enormous fortune, but there’s a catch. He has 30 days to spend 30 million dollars. If he succeeds, he inherits 300 million, but if he fails, he has nothing. The hard part is that when the 30 days are over, he must have nothing to show for it. And he can’t donate to charity or simply give it away. Likewise, tips must not exceed the standard rate of 20%. In other words, the money must be spent, not thrown away.

I wonder what creative ways my readers can think of to spend a large amount of money in a short period of time, and have nothing to show for it.

Here are some ideas I came up with:

• Buy rare coins and use them in parking meters or gum ball machines
• Stay in expensive hotels and get room service
• Drink lots of fine wine
• Smoke expensive cigars
• Or fly into outer space

What do you think? Got any great, money-wasting ideas? Let me know!

“The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are too cowardly to let you know” -Napoleon Bonaparte

When in doubt, people look to the collective opinion for how to proceed. If a lot of people are wearing flip-flops and polo shirts, they’re in style and we feel more comfortable wearing them ourselves. If a beggar is asking for food on a busy downtown street, it’s likely we’ll ignore him if that’s what everyone else is doing. It’s called social proof.

There was a UFO cult here in Chicago in the ’60s. They believed the world would be destroyed in another great flood, but that 8 hours before it happened, a UFO would come by and pick up the cult members, taking them to safety. When they believed they were right, they did not accept new members. But after the big day came and went, with no flood and no UFO, they started actively recruiting new members. Why? Because they were looking for social proof.

And that’s kinda like what happens in relationships. You know… when you’re dating someone, and you have a fight, you turn to your friends and tell them your side — not because you want advice, but because you want their agreement, their social proof. (Social proof is even stronger when it comes from people we know.)

It’s even worse when people break up. It’s so easy to seek out all your friends and tell them horrible stories about the new ex-, not because it’s information they need… but because you want them to support the breakup. You want their social proof.

It’s perfectly natural, and largely unavoidable. Evolutionary psychologists will say it’s built into our genes. I think they’re right. It helps reduce the complexity of the number of decisions we have to make every day.

But in the end, we don’t respect groupthink. After all, trends are easy to folllow, but think about the people who start them. Don’t the majority of trends get started by the same minority of people? …a few independent people, who are strong-willed enough to do what they like, or what they want, or what they think is right, regardless of the logic of the crowd?

You can’t really blame people for following the groupthink. But you can’t exactly respect them, either.

If the whole crowd is walking past a homeless man, deliberately ignoring him, you will think nothing of walking past and ignoring him too. But if the street were completely empty, just you and him, and you had to walk past him, would you still be able to pretend you didn’t notice him asking for money? Or would you fish out some coins and try to help?

The problem with social proof is when it prevents us from doing the right thing, simply because nobody else is doing the right thing. And the evidence shows when we’re alone and our actions don’t match those from when we were in the group.

If you bad talk your ex- all day to your friends, and spend all day insisting you hate him, but then once you’re alone and away from your friends you call him and try to apologize, that makes you a hypocrite. It makes you inauthentic.

Don’t worry. It’s not so bad. You’re just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone who stands out — who’s not just like everyone else. I don’t want just another hypocritical face in the crowd.

This is fun. Here are a sampling of recent search engine searches that have led people to Randem.net:

• can i slay them? and odor and how should they die
• where do peanuts come from
• where peanuts come from
• how to make an electric chair fun night
• a beer is better than a woman reasons
• new itunes 7.4.10
• rockafeller center christmas event
• the 50 funniest moments in child pornography
• keyword search shortcut google maps
• the new at&t complaints
• 52 reasons to have a beer over a woman
• punishment for desecration
• igoogle skins
• at&t dsl promotion/ complaints
• bible literal
• flickr feed igoogle
• roman excess
• daughter into slavery
• people who need to have the last word

In some cases, it troubles me what people are searching for online.  I have to assume that 50 funniest moment in child pornography is a joke, because it’s too disturbing to take seriously.  But why would someone be searching for “daughter into slavery”?

Today I was inspired to have a look at some of recent history’s worst book titles. Here are some samples of what I found:

Fart Proudly (link)

How Green Were The Nazis? (link)

Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium (link)

How To Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? (link)

Damn. That last title was so funny we have to take a moment and read the book’s description:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

The winner, as far as I’m concerned, is the children’s book depicted at the right.

I really love the internet. Where else can the unsung heroes of society really get an opportunity to exploit their talents, and have fun doing it?

Today’s unsung hero is the instructional poster artist. You know, like the guy that draws the pictures on that laminated card in the back of the airplane seat. Or, in this case, the web page illustrating how to steal the arm rest from the passenger next to you.

I often hear people try to encourage each other, offering the advice that you have to love yourself for who God made you. Mother’s tell this to their child who’s shorter than everyone else his age. Wives tell this to their balding husbands. Etc.

Well, to be frank, I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. We are our parents’ offspring. Our traits, our appearances, and even in large part our personalities are products of a genetic coupling process that is well documented and understood. If your mother had a dominant gene for brown eyes and recessive for blue, and your father had brown eyes with recessive for green, then you’re going to have a very high probability of having brown eyes, with a slight chance for green, and you will never have a chance at blue eyes.

That’s science. It’s not some random, magical experience. It’s not like you get pregnant, and then God sets up a workshop in your womb, playing games of chance for 9 months until a baby is born. If that were the case, white couples would be able to have black babies, and asian couples could have arabic babies. That doesn’t happen.

You are the product of genetics. And as such, there is no divine plan for who you are. Therefore, choosing to just take what life gives you is living by default. It’s refusing to take responsibility for yourself.

I say, stop living by default. Start living by design. Live where you live because you choose to live there. Look how you look because you choose to look that way.

You don’t like be overweight? or underweight? Stop whining about it. Stop blaming it on your McDonalds, or your wife’s excellent cooking, or the price of healthy food. Stop blaming God for making you a miserable fat person, or an insecure skinny person. Take responsibility. Change your diet. Start going to the gym. Design your body how you want it.

You don’t like being poor? You don’t like living week to week? You hate not having extra money to go out to dinner or spend a night at a hotel? Stop blaming your job, or your education, or your family’s expectations. Take responsibility. Look for a better job. Get more education. Change your spending habits. Be more frugal. Stop buying every cute singing fish that you see in the line at Wal-Mart. Design your finances how you want them.

Have you ever known someone who got plastic surgery done? A facelift, or a nose job, or a beast augmentation, or lyposuction? Sometimes the work looks natural, and sometimes you can tell it’s not. (Think Cher…) But I have never known someone who got cosmetic surgery and wasn’t happier for doing so. In fact, I remember seeing a piece on tv about a real life couple who had sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into cosmetic surgery to make themselves literally look like Ken and Barbie™, but even though their looks were obviously cosmetic, it didn’t stop the couple from being truly happy with themselves. Instead of being insecure, they are confident and outgoing.

You have the power to choose your life. Stop complaining about your situation. Stop accepting that you have no control. Stop being a victim and start being a cause. It’s very empowering when you choose to take responsibility for yourself. Instead of being miserable with the life you have by default, you can be truly happy with the life you have by design.

I love it when women talk about having “the balls” to do something. Even though it makes absolutely no sense, the point still gets made. And somewhere in the depths of my imagination, there’s a cartoonish moment of humor while I imagine the female who said it looking at herself in the mirror, admiring her ball sack…

soporific
adj
1. causing or tending to cause sleep.
2. pertaining to or characterized by sleep or sleepiness; sleepy; drowsy.
3. something that causes sleep, as a medicine or drug

for example:
My coworker’s constant, apologetic droning has had a soporific effect on everyone involved in today’s meeting.