Oh, how boring would my life be if I didn’t have the TSA to keep me entertained? Just like last time, these ever-vigilant defenders of justice have thwarted a deviously masterminded plan to sneak a cup of coffee on board an airplane, clearly violating that most important of safety regulations: no liquids.

Well thank God our heroes of the airways stopped that passenger from drinking all that coffee, because he had a box-cutter. If he’d been allowed to get all wired and jittery on caffeine, while cramped into that tiny space on board the plane, he might have gone crazy!

I’m starting to see the logic. I mean what other possible catastrophes may have been thwarted thanks to the liquid ban?

• Too-much-aftershave-guy can’t bring his Aqua Velva in his carry on, preventing the people next to him from getting fed up with the scent and going ape shit at 30,000 feet.
• Kids can’t bring their 400-oz aluminum can of energy drink with them, so they get tired of kicking the seat in front of them after an hour or so, instead of three or four hours, causing the person seated in front of them to go ape shit at 30,000 feet.
• Pet lovers won’t be able to put their goldfish in a bag of water and fly it with them on vacation. Sure, maybe the fish will die from not being fed, but at least it won’t cause the cat in the lap of the person next to you to go ape shit at 30,000 feet and scratch up everyone in the cabin.
• Vegetable oil, which kills you from the inside, will definitely not be clogging any arteries, making your heart go ape shit at 30,000 feet.
• No shampoo, so there won’t be any women getting naked and shampooing their hair with Herbal Essesnces, causing some sex-starved maniac to go ape shit at 30,000 feet.
• There will be no sun-tan lotion, relieving you of the temptation to climb out onto the wing and work on your tan at 30,000 feet.