@Randem

Nobody’s perfect. It happens to the best of us. You’re only human, you can’t change the past. When you get right down to brass tacks, feeling bad is just a new sensation — it could be worse. Behind the clouds the sun is shining, and every cloud has a silver lining. When it rains, it pours… and right now it’s coming down in buckets. But after the rain comes a rainbow, and it’s always darkest before dawn. So look on the bright side. Tomorrow is another day. Time heals all wounds, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. After all, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel to pin your hopes on. Your time will come.

(followup to A cliché kind of feeling)

Hey, everybody! Get on board… become a Republican!

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you’ve had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you’ll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn’t care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. If you change beers you don’t have to pay alimony.
25. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
26. You can’t catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you’re interrupted by a beer, it’s for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won’t tell you it’s pregnant for fun.
31. A beer doesn’t have in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn’t complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when it’s time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. It’s okay to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.
39. Beer won’t drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easy to catch.
42. You don’t need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn’t grow hair where it shouldn’t.
45. Beer doesn’t care how much you earn.
46. Beer and Ice don’t mix.
47. Beer won’t complain about your choice of vacation.
48. Beer doesn’t care if you go to sleep right after you’ve had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers in one room, and they won’t fight.

Every year, before the start of the football season, it’s the job of every sports pundit to make their ridiculous predictions about who will be the next Super Bowl champion. I can understand that you’ve got to have something to talk about in order to get the football fans primed for the upcoming season. I can also understand that you’ve got to remind them that your show exists in order to start getting viewers ready. Fine. But on ESPN’s NFL Today they dedicated an entire show to their predictions. How much is there to say, really, about something that won’t even happen for almost seven more months?

These guys are full of crap! Not only did they predict that Super Bowl XLI would be a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVIII between the Panthers and the Patriots… not only did they pick a winner — the Carolina Panthers — but they had the audacity to pick a score and to declare that the game would be won by a field goal kick. As if the 1:32 odds against being right weren’t bad enough for your pick, you’ve got to throw that out there?

And it gets better. They had a board up, predicting the entire playoffs with winners chosen, which showed the Pittsburgh Steelers playing in the AFC Championship game! I thought ESPN had the inside info, but maybe they missed the part about Jerome Bettis retiring, and Ben Roethlisberger breaking his face in half on some old lady’s car.

It’s all wasted air anyhow, since everyone knows the Buccaneers are coming back for number two, but just to keep pace with ESPN, let’s just jump out on a limb and say that the Buccaneers will beat the Cincinnati Bengals by a touchdown in the first ever Super Bowl to go into overtime, with a final score of 35-28, and Chris Simms will throw for 366 yards, 3 touchdowns, and two interceptions, while Cadillac Williams will run for the other two TDs. Is that ridiculous enough to sound riveting? Time to prep my resume for a sportscaster’s job at ESPN.