@Randem

These days, it’s become fashionable to be a nazi right-winger. If you don’t watch Fox News, support the troops, and worship Jesus, this “you’re in the wrong country&rdquo. And whenever these radical fundamentalists encounter an idea that doesn’t match with their own, they write it off, and call you part of the Blame America First crowd.

Well let me tell you why I’m in that crowd… why maybe we should blame America first… why right-wingers love to hate me.

My Passport
On May 31st, I dug out my birth certificate and went down to the nearest post office that is listed as doing passport services. The State Department web site, where I found the information, said this office offered passport services Monday through Friday from 10am until 4pm. Well I went there on my lunch break (at noon) and was greeted by a sign on the door that said “passport services are only available from 10:00-12:00 and 2:00-4:00. So our government doesn’t even have any idea what its own operations are!

Okay, so I went back the next week at 11:00 and the sign was no longer on the door. Whatever. I filled out the form, got my pictures taken, gave the lady my birth certificate, and paid a bunch of money for expedited service. That was June 7th.

Well, my passport arrived June 29th, and I anxiously rushed over to pick it up, excited that I could now leave the country and go to all those places I’ve been wanting to go. But when I opened it, I found my name misspelled. Well, I was headed out of town, so I decided to deal with it when I got back.

The following week, I went back to the State Department’s web site and found the page that tells what to do if the information is incorrect. It said if the passport is 30 days old or less, you can send the passport back, along with a letter explaining the correction needed, and proof of the proper information — in this case, a photocopy of my driver’s license. So I typed up the letter, photocopied my license, put these things into an envelope with my passport and sent it all by USPS next day air, to make sure it got there well before the 30 days were up.

I then waited for two weeks. Anxious, I checked my mail last night and found an envelope from the State Department in Miami. Hurray, finally! Wrong. They put the letter, the photocopy, and the passport into an envelope, and added a checklist and a DS-5504 form and sent it back to me. The checklist says I need 2 new photos, I have to complete the form again, and I have to submit my birth certificate again… and if I want it in a timely manner, I should send this all by Express mail, and include a self-address Express mail envelope for them to send it back in.

So now, a passport that should have cost about $97 has already cost me in excess of $150 and now I have to pay for new photos and next day airmail both ways. And a process that can be completed in one day if you do it in person is now going to take a third month to complete.

And why is all of this? It because my name is Randall, but some ignorant, idiotic, illiterate piece of shit in Miami though that Randal was good enough. In actuality, I could probably fly all over the world and just tell them my name is Randal, and I’d be fine. But if I ever lost my passport and had to get a new one from the US Embassy, they’d start asking me a bunch of questions and I’d never be allowed back into the US. All because of some idiot in OUR government.

Lots of Room For Error
Now here’s the thing… Based on that, how can I ever trust any information that comes from our government? If they can’t spell a name right — even though they’re copying it directly from the birth certificate! — how can they get anything else right?

How can you tell me that Moussaui is a terrorist, when he might have a similar name to that of an actual terrorist, but since you spelled it wrong in the computer, he’s fucked and the terrorist is free?

How can you ensure me that the people getting tortured in Guantanamo Bay are guilty of anything at all, when they could be nothing more than victims of a careless typographical error?

Remember when we went to war because Iraq supposedly had weapons of mass destruction? And remember how four years later, we still haven’t found any evidence of that? Meanwhile, Iran has steadily worked at developing nuclear power and we know they have all manner of other WMDs. What if that intelligence was another case of typographical error? What if another careless government worker in some little office at the Department of State typed I-R-A-Q, when she meant to type I-R-A-N?

Summary
I read a lot of web sites — a lot of professional web sites — which contain spelling errors. I’ve read TONS of emails with spelling and grammatical errors. I’ve spent my share of time on instant messaging systems, and I’m quite familiar with text messaging on cell phones, and both are riddled with misspellings.

People don’t bother any more. Our education system has failed to teach us, and our free market has failed to make us care about our lousy educations. Yet people with poor grammar skills can get a job creating official documents for the US Government. Can you honestly tell me without a doubt that anybody else but America should be blamed for the state of the nation?

I’m not saying that a typo caused the war. Nobody can prove that, and it’s unlikely. But IT IS possible. That’s a reality that we need to face. It’s a reality that we need to change. And it’s nobody’s fault but ours, so yes… we should blame America first.

I hope this hurt!

Liberty Bridge

I walked to this spot with the intention of getting this shot, but as I approached I could see the couple on the bridge. They were in their own world, and I didn’t want to disturb them. I sat on a nearby bench for about 5 minutes and in that time they didn’t move an inch.

I could see that these two had no intention of going anywhere any time soon, so I casually started extending the legs on the tripod. Then I mounted the camera. Since it was late, and the bars were letting out, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time drawing attention — and more people were starting to come — so I took a bit of a guess at the exposure, hit the shutter release, and paced for 15 seconds.

When this image turned up on the viewer, I knew I didn’t need any more. I’ll save the experimenting for another time. So this is my “sniper photo” — one shot, one kill. Nice.

Ever had trouble coming up with a good band name? Fret no more. Here is a list of 10,000 computer-generated, “statistically average” band names.

A few of my favorites:

• Invalid Dignitary
• Sadistic Delegate
• Kennel
• Southbound Blackjack
• Magic Citrus
• Design Inaction
• Taboo Beard
• Temperance
• Postmortem Cliff
• Mossy Puss
• Wren Rancher Clubhouse
• Temperamental Beavers
• Piercing Vulnerabilities

I’d really like to get my hands on the program that generated these. Some of them are pretty damn good!

Americans are becoming too fat for x-ray machines. BBC News reports that

The nation’s rising obesity problems mean many citizens are not only too large for scanners but they have too much fat for the rays to penetrate.

And it’s not just x-ray scanners. They’re having to make stronger wheelchairs. They’re needing wider doors and stronger beds. As the Associated Press reported a few months ago:

Issues extend beyond the patient’s room. Operating tables have been widened because the girth of some patients was lapping over the table, in some cases all the way to the floor, Becker said. CT scan machines weren’t wide enough. Syringes with the longest available needles - 4 1/2 inches - couldn’t penetrate the fat.

And it continues…

At Barnes-Jewish, lift machines help some patients get in and out of bed. Chairs have been made stronger and wider. Lights have been added at floor level because the bodies of extremely obese people can cast a shadow that makes it hard to see the floor.

Theme parks have started offering “Big Boy” seats on their thrill rides. Airlines are burning more fuel in flight. We even need sturdier car seats for our supersized children.

Wow. When a 4-1/2 inch needle still isn’t enough to penetrate your fat, you deserve to die. Whatever ails you should be fatal… it needs to be fatal. You are poisoning the gene pool.

This is sick. How do you look in the mirror every day? How do you wake up, pull a tent out of the closet, wrap it around yourself, and go out into public without committing suicide? Oh…. and one more thing. How the fuck do you wipe your ass?

Yes, I hate rednecks. Yes, I hate NASCAR. No, driving around in circles all day is NOT a sport. But that’s not the reason for my opinion. There are people who don’t like things that I like, and this is the USA, where we talk about “freedom”. I’m all for freedom, so I’ve always gone about my merry way and exercised my freedom to bitch about Nascar knowing it will never make a difference.

But more and more, I can’t help thinking that this organization is the epitome of the corpulent excess that will be the undoing of our country. If the Colosseum symbolized the height of Roman excess, then Talladega symbolizes ours.

Driving around in circles is not a sport.

The very mentality of NASCAR and its fans embodies the modern American ideal of consumption as a sport. This is the hot dog eating contest, the pie/bratwurst/donut/burrito eating contest, the drinking game, the hunting or fishing trip… this is game of overconsumption taken to an exponential extreme.

Of course, I’m talking about petroleum.

You see, it seems like every day I hear someone complain about the price of gas. Oil reaches $80/barrel. Gasoline reaches over $3/gallon. It’s becoming more and more common for people to spend $50 or more on gasoline every week. They all want to complain about it, of course, and I want to feel sorry for them, but then after they’re done complaining I see them get into their Suburbans, their Escalades, their Explorers, their Hummers and drive away. And right there, on the back window, is their #24 sticker, or their checkered flag.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I can’t. You’re the one burning 18 barrels of petroleum every day just pulling your 6,000-lb truck all over town. You’re the one who thought that an SUV might be the best choice of vehicle for a single person driving 30-40 miles a day. Fuck you.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I can’t.

You’re the one blocking the view in front of me when I’m sitting in the left turn lane. You’re the one blinding me with your headlights from behind. Yes, you’re god damn right you should pay a fucking premium for that. Eat it and smile, asshole.

You’re the ones, lined up by the hundreds or even thousands, around a giant stadium watching the height of civilization: the needless waste of a limited and expensive natural resource. And then complaining to ME about it.

Let’s just imagine, for a moment, that auto racing was outlawed. What difference would that make? How much fuel is consumed by just one car during the Indy 500? And how many cars are in that race? And don’t forget the qualifying race? And how many semi trucks per crew to get the cars, supplies, and people to that race… for each crew? And how many races in a year? How does 2 million gallons sound?

And don’t forget the fuel required to get all of those thousands of redneck assholes into the stands. In their SUVs. Many of them coming hundreds of miles to see the race.

But wait. That’s all before we consider how many other things depend on petroleum. There’s the oil in the track. There’s petroleum required for all of those tires they burn up on that track. Belts. Hoses. Molded plastic parts galore. Plastic seats. It goes on and on.

Now think of the environmental impact. All of that is not only consumption of oil pulled out of the ground… it’s also hydrocarbons going into the air. It’s global warming. It’s smog. It’s pollution. It’s lung cancer and skin cancer.

And for what? What did you get out of it? An afternoon of watching advertisements pass you over and over again. You got the chance to see a few dozen jerkoffs turn left a couple thousand times without ever having to turn right. And who knows? Maybe you were lucky and got to see a few of those dickheads crash. Woohoo! Cool! Fuck you.

This is awesome! Henry Rollins writes an open letter to Ann Coulter, telling her everything the rest of us have always wanted to say to her. Nice!

Arlen Specter — a Republican! — plans to have a bill ready by the end of the week granting Congress the right to sue the President!

Can you believe it’s come to this? Well, that’s what you get, I suppose, for taking all of the meaning out of the Constitutional processes by impeaching a President for getting a blow job. You see, all they accomplished with the Lewinsky scandal was making it utterly meaningless to impeach anyone ever again. Well, at least if he’s a Republican…

So here’s the scoop, in case you’re living with rats in a hole in Iraq, unaware of anything going on in the world right now. In his sixth year as President of the United States, George W. Bush has finally used his first veto. Why is that? I’m glad you asked…

You see, President Bush didn’t veto anything because he was abusing a little loophole called a signing statement. While signing a bill into law, the President would write a long, complicated signing statement, absolving himself and his administration from having to follow that law. Therefore, it never mattered what he signed into law, because he didn’t have to worry about following it.

There are no provisions in the Constitution, no federal statutes, and no common-law principles that explicitly permit or prohibit the use of signing statements. They are simply the practice by which Presidents have followed the instruction of Article II, Section 3, requiring the executive to "take care that the laws be faithfully executed".

President Bush has signed over 800 bills into law, while writing detailed signing statements making sure they will never apply to him and his administration. Of course this is completely unconstitutional. Every time he doesn’t follow a new law, he is not protected by some Executive power… but rather he is willfully breaking the law.

Now it’s just a shame that Congress has to grant themselves the authority to sue him. And what happens when he signs their bill, and uses a signing statement to protect himself from the very suit they wish to bring?

I’m really getting quite tired of the simple-minded, xenophobic hate-speach that’s going around lately.

I’ve had enough of people complaining about having to “press 1 for English”. What? Would you prefer that the English language be option 4? or 7? I understand you’re looking for a humorous way camouflage your bigoted desire for people to speak your language, but this one isn’t it. It’s not a logical or well-constructed thought and it doesn’t hide your asshole opinion very well, either.

In fact, if you call yourself an American, you owe it to yourself to consider just exactly what “America” is. America is the new world… the continents of North America and South America. It’s a very big place, and one that is mostly Spanish-speaking. So let’s be clear on this: English is America’s second language. So now that you feel like an idiot, how about a big “Welcome to America… now learn the language!” for all of you ignorant, non-spanish-speaking assholes complaining about immigrants.

Let’s take a look at this email I received recently:

This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa, FL Newspaper. He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!

Okay, first thing to notice is that all bullshit chain letters start out with some vague claim to make it sound true. Notice, however, that they don’t name which newspaper it’s from. Maybe that’s because they’re afraid people will look for records in the Tampa Tribune or the St. Petersburg Times and find out that this is bullshit.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However…… the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the “politically correct! ” crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I think we can all agree that no editorial would be published in any major newspaper in this country with six periods following the word however. The editor would have changed that to a comma.

We continue.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans…… we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

Dillute our culture? Are you kidding me? Which culture was that? Is it the abuse of the native Americans, Chinese, Japanese, Mexicans, black people, women, and veterans that you miss so much? Or maybe it’s the crime lords of Chicago in the 20s and New York in the 70s that you miss. Slavery, gang warfare, school riots, domestic violence, mass-murdering child-molesting cannibals — if a few million border-crossers have dilluted that, I say let them come!

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

Don’t forget to throw in Yiddish — or is it not cool to lump in all of your favorite actors and comedians into this redneck bigotry rant.

FYI, English is NOT our national language… it belongs to a little country called England. You know, the one we declared independence from! The United States does not have an official national language. If you can’t deal with that, it’s YOU who are ignorant, not the millions of Americans (yes, it’s called North and South AMERICA) who don’t speak the Queen’s language.

“In God We Trust” is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women…….on Christian principles…………. founded this nation….. and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home………because God is part of our culture.

The phrase “In God We Trust” had nothing to do with our founding fathers, nor with any of their principles. It was adopted by Congress in 1956, a year in which many of the recipients of your xenophobic email were alive. The fact is that our country was founded in rebellion to the idea of a national religion, and opinions like this are in direct contradiction to the very principles you claim to be supporting.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don’t like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don’t care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining……. whining…… and griping…… about our flag……. our pledge…… our national motto…….or our way of life….I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom……. THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

In case he missed it before, the editor certainly would not have missed the horrible use of punctuation here. I’m tired of people forwarding emails around and just assuming they’re true, rather than actually reading and thinking about them.

This is my favorite part, where we’re encouraged to stop whining about the flag, the pledge, the motto, and the way of life, after a paragraphs-long example of exactly that: whining about the flag, the pledge, the motto, and the way of life.

This is NOT “our country, our land, and our lifestyle”. I remember a certain bunch of people we now refer to as Native Americans — really, the Cherokee, the Sioux, the Lacota, etc. People who owned this land long before we did, and who didn’t care a great deal about our beliefs. We solved the problem by exterminating them. Remember that from your history books at all? Would you like to encourage our immigrants to adopt the same “American” attitude?

It is Time for America to Speak up If you agree — pass this along; if you don’t agree — delete it - You are in the WRONG Country!

AMEN

Okay, even if we assume that this was published in a Tampa, FL Newspaper [sic], I still don’t see what credibility or authority that gives the author to tell me that I’m in the WRONG country. I think I’ve successfully demonstrated that it’s more likely the author, and those who pass this hatemail around, who are in the wrong country. After all, it appears to be they who hate us for our freedom!

This is juvenile, redneck hate-speech and it’s not welcome in my inbox. Anyone who calls this American, or patriotic should be shot for treason.

First day with the new phone, and I love it. I had to leave Sprint in order to get a decent phone, and fact that has gradually been pissing me off for many months now. Their service has always been satisfactory to me, but that comes at the cost of NEVER having any decent phones. They’re all boring, ugly phones with no features.

But this shall vex me no more. I have joined Cingular and gotten the phone I’ve wanted for a long time - a Motorola RAZR. After only one day, I’m already convinced it was worth the hassle of changing networks and paying the early termination penalty. The difference between this new phone and the old one is immeasurable. Text messages are a breeze to send now with predictive text entry, and my pocket is no longer sticking out 4 feet in front of me due to the size of my phone.

So goodbye, Sprint… hello Cingular. Facts are facts. I don’t care how good the signal is, or how big your coverage area is, or how rare your dropped calls are if I’ve always got to hate making a call because you won’t offer me any phones I like. The first thing you interact with when making a call isn’t a tower, it’s a phone. And now I’m happy.