As we enter hurricane season once again, we’re already turning on the TV and seeing weathermen pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico, while making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.”

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

• Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
• Step 2. Put these supplies into your car.
• Step 3. Drive to Maine and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNER’S INSURANCE
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built, and
2. It is located in Maine.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I’m covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and — if it’s a major hurricane — all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters. The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters. The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters. The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

“Hurricane-proof” windows. These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

“HURRICANE-PROOFING” YOUR PROPERTY
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida” you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES
If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

• 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it’s traditional, so GET some!)
• A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
• A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
• $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it’s great living in paradise! Those of you who aren’t here yet you should come. Really!

• …man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• …man who want to become master fisherman must first be master baiter.
• …woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
• …man who buy drowned cat paying for stinking wet pussy.
• …man who have both feet firmly planted on ground have hard time putting on pants.
• …baseball all wrong.  Man with four balls not walk.
• …man with hand in pocket feeling cocky.
• …man with hand in pocket not crazy, just feeling nuts.

I’m not interested in handing out a history lesson on who Che Guevara is — if you’re interested enough to read about it, you can go here or here. Nope, for now I’d just like to leave this link to some photos of Che, and a special birthday quote of the day:

“If Christ himself stood in my way, I, like Nietzsche, would not hesitate to squish him like a worm.” -Che Guevara

The missing phone has been recovered! The tip provided by the anonymous source led investigators directly to the location of the missing phone, with surprising accuracy. With the secret combination once again in the hands of its rightful owner, the world is once again safe for democracy.

We’ve received an anonymous tip from an alert reader that might provide a clue to the whereabouts of the missing cell phone. Investigators are on their way now to see if any further evidence turns up. Stay tuned.

Have you seen me? I’m a very irritating — in fact, downright annoying — cellphone. I’m hard to talk into, hard to hear on, and impossibly difficult to send text messages with. I have a camera that’s worthless. I can successfully fill a pocket yet I do a poor job of filling a hand.

All in all, it’s probably a good thing I got lost, but I’m carrying one piece of vital information that is most valuable to my owner: a single ten-digit number that is capable of restoring meaning to the world. By entering this short series of numbers into the keypad provided, my owner can be transported over great distances… even to the future!

Please don’t let this power fall into the wrong hands. If you see me, you must return me to my rightful owner or else the entire fabric of space and time could come unraveled. The people of your world are counting on you!

Spanish tuna & vegetable stew

Look, I’m not even going pretend I’ve spent anything more than 2 minutes glancing at the healthy living jibber-jabber on this site, but I can promise you that MediterrAsian.com has some of the most delicious, and healthy meals I’ve made. If a pathetic cook like myself can manage to follow these instructions, then anyone can.

“It is said that power corrupts, but actually it’s more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.” -David Brin

Wow. Did that title get your attention?

Well, this got my attention this morning:

White House senior adviser Karl Rove has been told by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald that he will not be charged in the CIA leak case, according to Robert Luskin, Rove’s lawyer.

I’m really pissed about this. We’re not idiots. America knows that Rove engineered the identity leak — basically putting Valerie Plame’s life on the line even as she was working undercover in the nuclear energy industry researching the very weapons of mass destruction that might one day threaten our country! And to what end? To discredit her husband, who was also researching weapons of mass destruction.

In other words, two people serving their country — one in a most patriotic form — were targeted by the White House for no other reason than that the truth they were telling was making it harder for the Bush Administration to sell their lies.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something, but isn’t that treason? How does this whole thing get covered up and swept under a rug? Rove committed a high crime against his country, and nobody is upset about this. Well, nobody except my hero, Howard Dean:

“He doesn’t belong in the White House. If the president valued America more than he valued his connection to Karl Rove, Karl Rove would have been fired a long time ago,” Howard Dean, the Democratic Party chairman, said Tuesday on NBC’s Today show. “So I think this is probably good news for the White House, but it’s not very good news for America.”

There were 23 people involved in outing Valerie Plame’s identity as an undercover CIA agent, and the best thing we could get was an obstruction of justice charge against Scooter Libby?

“Lo importante no es ganar sino hacer perder al otro.”