Archive for June, 2006

When I’m King…

Friday, June 23rd, 2006

…cell phones will be banned. There will be no more loud guy in the line at the bank who thinks I care about his business. No more irritating lady in the grocery store yelling into her phone “What? I didn’t hear that. No, the phone is breaking up.” No more loud ringer in the middle of a movie, or a speech, or during a wedding. No more Bluetooth headsets on the ears of every dork I see. No more 50dB ring tone from the cubicle next to me while I work. No more Nextel beep.

In place of cell phones, I will install a wireless text-messaging system. It will not have a ringer… just a simple LED that changes color when you’ve received a message. Expensive models can vibrate. There will be a 200-character limit on messages to prevent people from rambling on and on. It will be seamlessly compatible with internet-based chat clients, and it will be illegal to use one while driving. I don’t mind if it plays music… through a headphone jack. I don’t even mind if you want to check sports scores or watch videos on it. But I don’t want it disturbing ME any more.

Man jokes

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolution things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing she hasn’t been told twice already.

What do 54,000 battered women every year have in common?
They don’t fucking listen.

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Hillary Clinton

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
Hillary Clinton

In a Yahoo News opinion piece, Robert Scheer remarks:

“Sen. Hillary Clinton’s dissembling on Iraq has become a fatal embarrassment not only for her, but for anyone who hopes she can provide progressive leadership for the nation. If she has still not found the courage to reverse course on this disastrous war, why assume that as president she would behave any differently?”

Indeed, it seems her stand — or lack thereof — on the war is heating up a lot of disapproval. Bloggers have been giving her hell on the subject.

For my part, I’ve been strongly motivated against Hillary Clinton for some time now. Frankly, anyone who can put that much effort into persecuting a popular video game for something hackers have done simply does not get it. And anyone who can make such a ridiculous show of that even while members of her party are actively pursuing legal charges against the likes of Karl Rove and even George W. Bush, well, I think it’s safe to say that her priorities are poorly aligned. No doubt this is an example of her opinion that it takes a village, and I don’t like the future that hints at. I can’t imagine that she’d be any better than Bush as a President. And that’s a shame, because I really liked her husband.

Quote of the day

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

“The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.” -Ralph Nader

The reality of oil

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

Let’s talk about oil. Black gold. Texas tea. The stuff Presidents are made of. People are up in arms over the topic, as well they should be, but very few of them have any idea of the realities of the situation.

In every debate about petroleum, you ultimately find people blaming the owners of big inefficient cars for our oil crisis. The truth is, however, that while cars may be the most obvious use of this natural resource, it’s far from the only one.

Oil Rig

Not just for fuel
In addition to providing us with gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, etc., we also depend on petroleum for numerous other things. For example, all plastic comes from oil. Think of how much plastic we consume every day — not just the stuff we keep, like computers and cars, but the stuff we throw away. I’m talking about the wrapper on your snack cakes, the lid on your coffee, the bag around your loaf of bread, the shopping bag you carry it all out in, the disposable forks in the cafeteria, the material in your wrinkle-resistant work clothes, the bottles for all of that soda (or water) you drink… all plastic, all comes from oil.

But that’s not all. From petroleum we get the asphalt for all of the roads and highways we drive on. We get synthetic rubber for our tires, and our shoes, and our wiper blades, and weatherstripping. We get paraffin wax, fertilizers, pesticides, herbicides, detergents, furniture, packing materials, paints. Every time a surgery is performed, or a baby is born, or blood is drawn, or a band-aid is applied, you have to thank “big oil”.

Hybrids aren’t enough
For those reasons, the oil issue is really far more difficult to solve than most people realize. Driving a hybrid — or even an alternate-fuel vehicle — is not enough to make oil go away. If you really want to make a difference in your footprint on the earth, and if you want your argument to carry any weight when you tell others, you have to seriously reconsider everything you do.

Just switching to a hybrid car isn’t enough to solve our dependance on oil. Everything in the hybrid car is made from oil, so by buying it, you’re still adding demand to that industry. Ironic, no?

But we buy cars long term. Let’s instead talk about the short term, such as plastic bags at the grocery store, or the plastic containers the food comes in. Add the morning trip to Starbucks for a coffee, and there’s not only petroleum in the coffee cup and lid, but what about all the supplies they used to make that coffee? Went through the drive-thru? That’s more oil.

Write to your congressman to complain about oil? Uses oil. Cast a vote? It takes oil. Make a picket sign… needs more oil! You can’t win. It’s not that easy.

What would it take?
You’d have to return to the days when meat came in paper. You’d have to spend the big money on a nice oak desk, instead of that $89 do-it-yourself computer desk from Wal-Mart. You’d have to have real glasses. Ceramic plates. Down pillows. Clothes made of 100% cotton, or wool, or silk. Cast-iron cookware. Fancy ink pens. Stainless steel cigarette lighters. Buses. Subways. And no more CDs and DVDs…

Honestly? It sounds better to me, but I can afford all of those things — many people can’t. The average Wal-Mart shopper has the niceties like a DVD player or a big TV precisely because their cheap construction makes them affordable to more people. If you had to spend hundreds of dollars on a vaccuum cleaner, you might not have money left over for a nice wristwatch. And I doubt that anybody would want to trade their Playstation for a nicer set of dishes. (Well, except mabye for Carson Kressley.)

So what can we do?

Starbucks

In short, I don’t know. If someone knew, we’d probably already be doing it. I think we need to pursue clean, renewable energy sources — both for vehicles and for electricity — such as wind or solar power. But we also need to find ways to replace all of those other things listed above. Some of those things would actually be nicer in wood or steel, but for the majority I think we need to find newer, more versatile building materials. And even then, those materials won’t make an impact until they can be produced and used at a cost near or below that of plastics.

In the mean time, I think we owe it to ourselves to stop fooling ourselves. Tax breaks for petroleum companies? Once you see just how much they’ve got their hands in, do you really think they need help? How about we let them pay taxes, and give breaks to the people trying to help us get off of the “addiction to oil”? How about we start giving research money to people with good ideas?

After all, any good idea is going to take many years to reach the point where production can meet demand. If the oil peak really is right around the corner, we should be working now to have something else in place by then.

Triune Brain Theory

Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

Today I was turned on to Paul MacLean’s Triune Brain Theory, and I must say that it’s pretty interesting. The idea he puts forward is that the human brain is made up of three seperate brains in one, which are:

  • The R-complex, or reptilian brain, which would be the most basic of the three. Developed during early stages in our evolution (in case the name wasn’t obvious enough) the reptilian complex is responsible for basic brain functions such as movement, digestion, reproduction, circulation, breathing, and the execution of fight-or-flight reaction.
  • The Limbic system, or mammal brain, which were developed during a middle stage of our evolution. The mammal brain includes the amygdala, responsible for associating events with emotion, and the hippocampus, which provides our long-term memory. Love, hate, fear, joy, pity, rage come from the limbic complex.
  • The Neocortex (sometimes called cerebral cortex), or human mind, which occupies five-sixths of the space within our heads. The cerebral cortex gives us communication, logic, operational thinking, and the ability to plan.

The idea suggests that - in spite of how civilized we’d like to think we are - the Neocortex doesn’t run the show. In fact, it’s only when the two underlying brains are not in control that the Neocortex gets to run the show. In modern society, we find our basic needs met, so we’re able to feed our human mind, but order of importance starts from oldest-to-youngest.

This is the part that really starts to get fascinating for me, because it makes so much sense. It explains why, when faced with a dangerous situation, we do things we didn’t know we were capable of - often without emotion, and we often have a very cloudy memory when it’s done. It explains why even the smartest people we know make such horrible decisions when they think they’re in love… or for that matter when they’re irate, as well.

I’m always the one to say that the reason for everything we do is written in our DNA - particularly when I’m talking about relationships and/or sex - but this gives me a whole new depth to the idea. Indeed, it’s really quite fascinating how much of human nature seems to be something we have little ability to do anything about!

Carolina wins.

Monday, June 19th, 2006
Stanley Cup Champions

Okay, so I was rooting for Edmonton and Carolina ended up winning. It was a great series, capped with an exciting final period. Cam Ward made some amazing plays throughout the playoffs and definitely earned him MVP trophy. Congratulations Hurricanes.

Game 7 - for the Stanley Cup

Monday, June 19th, 2006
Oilers and Hurricanes

And so it is that we’re down to the final game in a best-of-seven matchup for what is arguably the most coveted trophy in sports. One way or another, one of tonight’s teams will leave with Lord Stanley’s cup tonight. There is no tomorrow.

Go Edmonton!

From the mid-east phrasebook…

Saturday, June 17th, 2006

Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.

Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

A few offensive jokes

Friday, June 16th, 2006

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

How do you circumcise a Mormon?
Kick his sister in the chin.

How do you get an Ethiopian pregnant?
Come on her feet, and let the flies do the rest.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to my bumper.

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
Hey y’all, watch this!

How many Jews can you fit in a VW bug?
Two in the front, two in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray.

What do you call a white guy with five black guys around him?
Coach.