Sucked. Bad. I can’t remember the last time I saw that much over-acting. William Shatner and Charlton Heston could have co-starred and their combined rape of the screen would still pale in comparison to what Julia Stiles (Save the Last Dance) served up. Then, add a wooden Liev Schreiber (The Manchurian Candidate) — a guy so expressionless he makes John Kerry look downright animated — and you’re well on your way to pissing all over the box office.

Next, throw in every movie cliché ever used. You’ve got the underground passages of a subway system, conveniently filled with with candle lit by $DEITY-knows-who, and left burning for $DEITY-knows-how-long. You’ve got your classic meeting under a bridge on a rainy afternoon. You’ve got your spooky-looking bald priest in a cloak that must have been left over from The Matrix wardrobe. And just for good measure, we’ll toss in a boat ride on a fog-covered river, with a cloaked figure to pilot the ferry. Oh, and to make sure you’re paying attention, we’ve also got two minutes of Mary Poppins for your viewing enjoyment. Christ!

The kid who played Damien wasn’t scary at all. He looked more like he was going to cry. Every time he stared into the camera I could almost hear him say “Please get me out of this movie before I never get to act again.”

There was one redeeming scene in the movie, and that’s the part where the nanny is trying to stop Mr. Thorn from killing Damien. After he knocks her down, he rears back and kicks her square in the face. Thank $DEITY, because I wanted to if he didn’t.

Don’t waste your money seeing this in the cinema. Don’t even waste your money renting it next month on DVD. In fact, if this movie should find its way to cable, you should call your cable provider and ask to have your service cancelled.