@Randem

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

Why is the guy handling your money called a “broker”? Is that a sign?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

No. ABC News asks Is the shuttle safe to fly? In fact, they make you click through three pages of advertisement to read the story, and they never even answer the question posed in the title.

Well don’t fear… I’m here, and I’ll answer the question.

HELL NO!

Hmmm… lets see, you’re going to strap yourself into an aluminum box affectionately known as the “flying brick”, attach a pair of rockets and enough fuel to wipe out a race, then hurtle yourself off of the planet to a place where there is no air, while hoping that a tiny little piece of foam doesn’t happen to fall off in the process. Then, after two weeks in this tiny aluminum box, breathing stale air and going to the bathroom in your clothes, you’re going try to float back down to earth on a cushion of 6000° fire. You’re right… sounds perfectly safe.

Frankly, I think we’re all fooling ourselves if we think we can demand it be safe. Please. And don’t think for a minute that the people on board in that sardine can have ever doubted that they can die in an instant at every step along the journey.

Look, anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about the space shuttle program. But if our government insists on spending this insane money on this useless flying brick, then let’s have the balls to get out there and do it right! You know it’s not safe, stop pretending you care and start acting like brainless cowboys from Texas. Gee-Haw!

The Saliva concert last night was fun, but then again, any concert is fun. As concerts go, however, it wasn’t all that good. Their volume was up way too high, so I couldn’t understand anything. And while The Handlebar is a small venue, they still didn’t manage to fill it.

They’re a good band, though. Click Click Boom, Always, and Rest went over well, and the songs I didn’t know still seemed enjoyable. With a little less volume and a bigger crowd, it could have been a really good show.

Now I’m left with the day-after-the-concert ringing in my ears.

American Wasteland

The Senate fell one vote short of passing legislation that could prevent me from making photos such as this. One single vote. That’s too close.

I thought that this was a free country. I thought that our freedom of expression was on that list of 10 things that make us better than everybody else. What does it say when a bill this vague can come within one fucking vote of being passed? The exact wording of the legislation was:

The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States.

That’s it. And it’s scary, because that’s vague enough to leave the door open to anyone’s interpretation of what is considered “desecration”. People are really fucked up in this country… I don’t want some nut-bag’s opinion of what’s considered “desecration” to land me in jail, or in Guantanamo.

That’s really the problem. The legislation doesn’t name what would be considered “desecration”. Nor does it name what would be an appropriate punishment for desecration.

In fact, in reality this vote was nothing more than an attempt to subvert the Constitution. You see, the Constitution seperates powers between three branches of government… you probably remember hearing something about that in grade school. Well, in 1989, the Supreme Court ruled that flag burning was legal, and was protected by the Bill of Rights. So when Congress tries to pass legislation granting itself power to legislate the flag, what they’re really trying to do is thumb their nose at the Supreme Court and do what was already ruled to be un-constitutional.

Yes, that’s right. Now think of what this country would be like if we allowed that pattern to start. All of the freedoms we take for granted would be in question if we were to accept that line of action.

I’m against flag burning just like most of America is. Why? Because the primary use of flag burning is not constructive… it’s the equivalent of hate speach. Nevertheless, VCRs are not illegal even though their primary use is to illegally copy movies. You can’t just ban everything because some people — or even most people — use it in an inappropriate way. Eventually, we’ve got to rely on common sense.

And in fact, the Federal Flag Code suggests that “The Flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.” So after McDonald’s has had their flag out for too long, or on too many windy days, they should burn it and then be imprisoned, right?

There is a lot here that hasn’t been considered, folks. And don’t even try to tell me it’s a coincidence that this vote got rushed to the table in the last week before July 4th. Look, I’m as patriotic as the next guy, and I love my country. But next Tuesday, I’ll be burning a flag. You can count on it.

Tags: rant, politics, freedom

I’m a highly skilled person, and I have a relatively desirable skill set, so I tend to get a lot of phone calls and a lot of emails from IT recruiters… and there’s something that’s been bugging me for a while now.

If I’m looking for a job — and why else would you be contacting me if that’s not your assumption? — then it stands to reason that I’m going to be most interested in what fucking jobs you might be able to offer me. ¿N’est-çe pas? Yet for some reason, these people always send a form-letter email, obviously hand-crafted by some PR lunatic from a planet where the sun never sets, that tells me two sentences about the job and two pages about the recruiter!

For example:

Hello Randall,
I am a recruiter with Asshole, Inc. Asshole is a Fortune 1000 company with over 20 years of experience in the staffing industry. We offer a choice of opportunities that will utilize your experience within some of the world’s top companies. With the latest resources, salary comparisons, interview coaching, and resume preparation, we’ll help you find the position you’ve always wanted!

I have a developer position available in Armpit, US. It is a 6-month contract-to-hire for a Java developer. Let me know if you’re interested.

We continuously open doors to top quality positions for professionals with your skills. We provide our candidates with exceptional service and treat individuals with personal respect. Asshole is the employer of choice for many of the most qualified professionals in your industry.

Call or e-mail me today to learn about the immediate opportunities listed above or many others. Or, if you know someone that would be the RIGHT match for Asshole, please feel free to forward this e-mail.

Sincerely,
Fred Flintstone
Senior Staffing Specialist
Asshole, Inc

So is it just me, or does it look like the second paragraph was written by someone else and inserted later? Of course it does, because it was! The PR department took a big shit on a piece of paper, planted tulips in it, and handed it to the management who said “yes, we’ll use this!” Then, the one technical person in the office built it into the email program so the recruiters could merge the job description into the document and send it. Unfortunately, I have to read that whole thing just to find out that there’s a Java job available in Armpit, USA.

News flash: There are Java jobs available in every fucking city in the U.S. of A. If I’m not going to be working for Asshole IT Staffing, Inc, then I really don’t care about your company. I’m not impressed by terms like “Fortune 1000” and “over 20 years”. And who decided that there could be senior staffing specialists? You’re a phone jockey. A glorified salesman. Stop posturing.

I want to know about the place in the Armpit of the US. I want to know if I’ll be sitting in a tire factory smelling molten polybutadiene while writing software to track suicide attempts in the plant, or if I’ll have a comfortable, air-conditioned office in a financial center where I’ll write accounting software. I want to know if they wear suits and ties, or bibs and flanels. I want to know if there’s a real, honest-to-god owner and president, or if there are just a bunch of disenfranchised stockholders and a self-important board of directors.

Is it really asking that much?

Tags: rant, staffing, jobs

I just tried new Coca-Cola BlâK. Wow, is that bad or what? The flavor is somewhere in between cola and caramel, which is disgusting enough on its own. Then there’s all of the froth… I can already feel my insides gurgling from the carbonation. And the best part is that it’s sweetened with my two favorite ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, and aspartame. Yum!

Apparently I’m not the only one who’s unimpressed with this product.

See more about Coca-Cola BlaK

Rosenrot
by Rammstein

I peeled the cellophane, inserted the disc, and spun my volume know hard to the right, and was immediately welcomed by Benzin into a kidney punch that makes Sehnsucht sound like a lullabye in comparison.

This CD demonstrates how much Rammstein has polished their sound since Sehnsucht. Not only is the music more mature and more refined, but it also packs a far more serious punch.

And you have not experienced a perverse twist on music until you’ve heard a German metal band perform a Spanish song. ¡Te Quiero Puta!

See more about Rosenrot

Training a computer to read body language sounds like a cool idea, with a lot of interesting possible uses. Unfortunately, the one that keeps being mentioned over and over is selling you something. Yup. While I think of a computer reading body language and imagine a modern Eliza program, the inventors can only think of the advantage this might give them in getting our money out of our pockets. Sad.

So what would I do with this technology? I’m glad you asked. Oh, you didn’t ask? Well, you’re still reading, so I guess that means you’ll humor me.

How about a theme-music peripheral for chat clients? It could sense the emotional state of your chat partner, and play an appropriate soundtrack to enhance your chat experience! They laugh, you hear a comedy rimshot… or an audience laughing. They get upset, you hear a soap-opera pipe organ. They yawn, you hear a lullaby. That’d be cool, no?

How about an automated interrogation-bot for use in military detention centers? It could be programmed to ask the questions you want answered over and over. It could read the prisoner’s face and use the Reid technique to determine deceit. And it could detect when they were falling asleep, and at those times it could administer a small shock to wake the prisoner up.

Or, think of the uses in research? You could supply a program with a few hundred images and use the face-reader to determine how people react to seeing various images. That could also have huge relevance to psychiatry… sort of a modernized Rorschach test.

All three of these ideas would make far more sense than using the technology to try to determine when would be a good time to show you an advertisement. Christ. Who comes up with this crap?

Tags: computers, technology

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I’ve raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I’ve made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
The 6 most racist things I’ve yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
The 7 largest objects I’ve ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I’d like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I’ve had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I’ve done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
Dreams I’ve shattered by driving drunk.
Women I’ve seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I’ve tolerated during phone sex.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I’ve spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I’ve made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Inappropriate times I’ve screamed, “Cunt!” at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
Altzeimer patients I’ve bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole’s right arm.
25 autistics chicks I thought were faking it.
Best selling poems I’ve written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I’ve had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a NAMBLA member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could be misconstrued.
Under-aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

Tags: jokes, humor