@Randem

Last week, we decided to come to South Carolina and in a matter of seven days we reduced our footprint on this earth to whatever clothes and personal effects we could fit into our two vehicles. By last Sunday, we had no television, no furniture, no dishes, nothing. With some things needing our attention, we couldn’t leave Tampa until Wednesday morning, so we decided to buy a small LCD television to stave off the boredom. Sunday night we plugged in the little TV and for the next three days we watched the carnage unfold upon the Gulf Coast.

I have had a lot of thoughts on the topic, and I wish I could have blogged them sooner. Nevertheless, here they are:

• As insensitive as it might sound, my first feeling was relief. That storm could have hit Tampa just as easily as it hit Biloxi. Florida got creamed last year, and it’s a relief that Katrina didn’t hit Tampa. I’d probably be dead if it had.
• The next thing at the front of my mind was evacuation. News people on every channel implied that those who didn’t evacuate were stupid for staying. I say that’s assanine. Take it from someone who rode through four storms last year: evacuation isn’t always an option. However, Katrina has convinced me that it should be, for everyone.
• What the fuck happened to the National Guard? If the hurricane had hit Texas, we’d have brought everybody back from Iraq to protect Crawford. It’s attrocious that Bush could only muster 3000 troops, and couldn’t even get them there for 72 hours. We blasted the hell out of a country on the other side of the world in less than 72 hours. Sad.
• It’s time we talk about race in this country. Seriously. By majority, white people got out of the cities while many black people couldn’t. This is a clear result of racial inequality, and it’s time for our country to address this. And let’s not stop with black people. There are more than two races, it’s long past time for everyone to get a fair shake.
• I can’t help feeling that I can relate to these folks. I’m living in a hotel in a new city with only the possessions I could fit into my car. I left my job and my house and all my stuff, all on very short notice. It’s just an observation, but an interesting one. I’m in exactly the same situation as anyone who evacuated…
• The damage to New Orleans appears to affect more than 90% of the city. Rebuilding means scrapping the entire city and just starting over. Why not learn from the lessons here? I say build it like Venice, on the water. If not for the flood damage, New Orleans wouldn’t have been terrible shape.
• All I can say for Biloxi is “wow”. Once again, the rich (mostly white) folks are fine while the poor (mostly black) folks are in tragedy, or even dead. How sad.
• The Bush administration has repeatedly cut funding to New Orleans for projects to improve levees, floodwalls, and pumpings stations. This tragedy should be a finger pointed directly in the face of President Bush.
• Finally, it’s time to bring the troops home from Iraq. President Bush claims to take care of his own… so it’s time for him to do it. Our military belongs here, in Biloxi and Mobile and New Orleans, not in Baghdad.

Being out of Florida makes me as happy as I’ve been in a long time. That state is a total drag. If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, allow me to elaborate.

You hear it said often, and it’s true: Florida is God’s waiting room. Old, decrepit people with every kind of health issue you can imagine flock to Florida. Everywhere you go, things are designed for old people, which tends to make it a lousy place to be young.

Due to the overwhelming percentage of elderly people in the state’s population, all of the laws seem geared toward making life easy for the gray-hairs. Apathy and angst belong to the young, not the old, so the Q-tips decide the vote on everything.

One example of things being designed for the elderly is the driver’s license. Florida residents can renew their driver’s licenses by mail. That’s right, you sign a form and stick a check for $10 into an envelope and your license will be renewed and sent to you by mail. You see, this is convenient for old fuckers whose joints hurt to much to drive to the license office! The problem is this: if you can’t handle the drive to the license office, why should you be allowed behind the wheel at all? Moreover, if you’re getting your license in the mail, what’s the point of those vision tests and road tests?

And that’s why Florida drivers are the worst drivers in the country, bar none. Not just the old people, mind you - everybody sucks - but the old people are the reason for it. You see, old people who can’t see and can’t turn their heads and can barely even walk account for half of the cars on the road. That means the young people who can see and drive have to drive offensively because you never know when someone’s going to turn out in front of you forcing you to jam on the brakes or take evasive action.

But it doesn’t stop there - there’s also the weather. Sure, ten months of warm weather every year may sound nice, but it means you’re always sweating. It also means your electric bill is going to be around $200 every month, and that the paint on your car will be faded after the first year.

Hot weather also means you can forget about wearing nice clothes: no long sleeves, no layers, and definitely no suits. Everyone you see is wearing shorts and t-shirts and sandals, and that ultra-casual attire is actually acceptible for most restaurants. A nice Japanese steakhouse, for example, might have 30 patrons wearing sandals! It’s really sad.

Food sucks, too. It’s odd, because I didn’t really notice how bad the food was until I left. On vacation in July, we ate amazing food everywhere we went in Columbus. But now we’re eating amazing food everywhere we go in Georgia, Tennessee, and now South Carolina too. So it’s become clear that the standards are much lower in Florida. Of course that’s no surprise - old people complain about everything, so the restaurants have probably taken out all the ingredients to try to keep them happy.

But the old folks aren’t the only things waiting to die in Florida. All of the nature is decaying. The ground is dead, the grass is dead, the trees are dead… there’s no life in anything. Every time I leave Florida I’m always impressed by the green colors in the trees and grass. Everything in Florida is a brownish yellow-green, you see.

With the ground mostly dead, there are ants everywhere. Red ants. Everywhere. I remember growing up in the mid-west where we played out in the yard every day. In Florida, you can’t stand still in the grass for more than a minute without being covered by red ants.

Speaking of bugs, the lack of a winter in Florida means that the fleas never freeze out and neither do the roaches. In fact, Florida roaches get bigger than a Bic lighter and they can fly.

Well, I’m gone now, and I couldn’t be happier.