I hate cell phones. No, it’s not just because they’re irritating — and they are, with the obnoxious ringtones, and the walkie-talkie features that only seem to be used in banks, libraries, and grocery stores. It’s not just because they’re dangerous — and they are, especially when the idiot in front of you is trying to look up a phone number on his dancing, bouncing color screen using only the up/down button on the side of the handset. No, those are good reasons to hate cell phones, but they’re not MY reason. I hate cell phones because they represent what our society has become: self-indulging, self-centered, self-important.

Everyone knows that using cell phones while driving is bad… you won’t get any argument from anyone about that. And if you bring up the topic, everyone in the room will tell you the same thing: “Oh, not me. I try never to use my phone when I’m driving.” But then one-by-one as they all leave, you can see them already dialing the phone as they fumble with their car keys to open the door. Nobody admits to doing it, but when I look around as I drive I see that everyone is doing it.

Everyone knows that ring tones irritate people. They also know that the ringtone doesn’t sound anything like the song they thought they were downloading. Doesn’t matter, it’s self-indulgence. So what do they do? They crank up that ring tone as loud as it will go, of course. Hey, you’ve got to be able to hear your phone ring when you’re at the club, you know. And they do! They answer the fucking phone while standing next to a subwoofer in a dance club and expect to carry on a conversation!

Hands free kits? People don’t buy them because they need their hands to be free… in the last 80 or more years, we’ve perfected the art of pressing the shoulder against the back of the phone. And really, people these days don’t have so much to do that they can’t use one hand to hold a phone. Come on, people don’t even use both hands to drive! No, the only reason people like hands-free kits is because they love accessories that make them look important.

And that’s the real reason cell phones are so popular: people want to look important. In the ’80s, you only needed the phone to sit in your car, plugged into your cigarette lighter. In the ’90s, you only needed to set the phone down on your table at the bar or restaurant. But now it’s the ’00s, and everybody has a cell phone. If you want to look important, you’ve got to be fielding calls every hour from dozens of people who apparently can’t make any decisions on their own. And with a wire hanging out of your ear, you can do it in style.

Nobody has time any more. Customers at the 7-Eleven are holding up the line while they talk to their shoulder. The clerk behind the counter is taking too long, and miscounting your change, because she’s got a phone pressed to her ear. It’s like this everywhere you go, and nobody apologizes. In fact, they look at you as if YOU are rude, for interrupting their conversations with all this irritating business of paying for things.

The cell phone has become the central part of our lifestyle, the item around which all other things revolve. You have guests over - maybe even a party - only to have every card game, every movie, every great drinking game interrupted as the whole room gets up and looks around whenever Mozart’s 40th Symphony plays in all it’s electronic splendor.

We’ve all turned into Pavlov’s dog. Watch the pain cross someone’s face if they don’t answer their phone as it rings. Look… unless you’re waiting for the results of that biopsy, it can wait. That’s what voicemail is for. That’s what vibrate mode is for. Those features exist so you can answer your phone when it’s convenient… or appropriate. So do me a favor, and wait until you’re out of my presence to have your one-sided conversation.