@Randem

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

Why is the guy handling your money called a "broker"? Is that a sign?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Labels: fun, humor

No. ABC News asks Is the shuttle safe to fly? In fact, they make you click through three pages of advertisement to read the story, and they never even answer the question posed in the title.

Well don't fear... I'm here, and I'll answer the question.

HELL NO!

Hmmm... lets see, you're going to strap yourself into an aluminum box affectionately known as the "flying brick", attach a pair of rockets and enough fuel to wipe out a race, then hurtle yourself off of the planet to a place where there is no air, while hoping that a tiny little piece of foam doesn't happen to fall off in the process. Then, after two weeks in this tiny aluminum box, breathing stale air and going to the bathroom in your clothes, you're going try to float back down to earth on a cushion of 6000° fire. You're right... sounds perfectly safe.

Frankly, I think we're all fooling ourselves if we think we can demand it be safe. Please. And don't think for a minute that the people on board in that sardine can have ever doubted that they can die in an instant at every step along the journey.

Look, anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about the space shuttle program. But if our government insists on spending this insane money on this useless flying brick, then let's have the balls to get out there and do it right! You know it's not safe, stop pretending you care and start acting like brainless cowboys from Texas. Gee-Haw!

Labels: science

The Saliva concert last night was fun, but then again, any concert is fun. As concerts go, however, it wasn't all that good. Their volume was up way too high, so I couldn't understand anything. And while The Handlebar is a small venue, they still didn't manage to fill it.

They're a good band, though. Click Click Boom, Always, and Rest went over well, and the songs I didn't know still seemed enjoyable. With a little less volume and a bigger crowd, it could have been a really good show.

Now I'm left with the day-after-the-concert ringing in my ears.

Labels: fun, music

The Senate fell one vote short of passing legislation that could prevent me from making photos such as this. One single vote. That's too close.

I thought that this was a free country. I thought that our freedom of expression was on that list of 10 things that make us better than everybody else. What does it say when a bill this vague can come within one fucking vote of being passed? The exact wording of the legislation was:

The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States.

That's it. And it's scary, because that's vague enough to leave the door open to anyone's interpretation of what is considered "desecration". People are really fucked up in this country... I don't want some nut-bag's opinion of what's considered "desecration" to land me in jail, or in Guantanamo.

That's really the problem. The legislation doesn't name what would be considered "desecration". Nor does it name what would be an appropriate punishment for desecration.

In fact, in reality this vote was nothing more than an attempt to subvert the Constitution. You see, the Constitution seperates powers between three branches of government... you probably remember hearing something about that in grade school. Well, in 1989, the Supreme Court ruled that flag burning was legal, and was protected by the Bill of Rights. So when Congress tries to pass legislation granting itself power to legislate the flag, what they're really trying to do is thumb their nose at the Supreme Court and do what was already ruled to be un-constitutional.

Yes, that's right. Now think of what this country would be like if we allowed that pattern to start. All of the freedoms we take for granted would be in question if we were to accept that line of action.

I'm against flag burning just like most of America is. Why? Because the primary use of flag burning is not constructive... it's the equivalent of hate speach. Nevertheless, VCRs are not illegal even though their primary use is to illegally copy movies. You can't just ban everything because some people — or even most people — use it in an inappropriate way. Eventually, we've got to rely on common sense.

And in fact, the Federal Flag Code suggests that "The Flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." So after McDonald's has had their flag out for too long, or on too many windy days, they should burn it and then be imprisoned, right?

There is a lot here that hasn't been considered, folks. And don't even try to tell me it's a coincidence that this vote got rushed to the table in the last week before July 4th. Look, I'm as patriotic as the next guy, and I love my country. But next Tuesday, I'll be burning a flag. You can count on it.


Tags: rant, politics, freedom

Labels: photography, politics

I'm a highly skilled person, and I have a relatively desirable skill set, so I tend to get a lot of phone calls and a lot of emails from IT recruiters... and there's something that's been bugging me for a while now.

If I'm looking for a job — and why else would you be contacting me if that's not your assumption? — then it stands to reason that I'm going to be most interested in what fucking jobs you might be able to offer me. ¿N'est-çe pas? Yet for some reason, these people always send a form-letter email, obviously hand-crafted by some PR lunatic from a planet where the sun never sets, that tells me two sentences about the job and two pages about the recruiter!

For example:

Hello Randall,
I am a recruiter with Asshole, Inc. Asshole is a Fortune 1000 company with over 20 years of experience in the staffing industry. We offer a choice of opportunities that will utilize your experience within some of the world's top companies. With the latest resources, salary comparisons, interview coaching, and resume preparation, we'll help you find the position you've always wanted!

I have a developer position available in Armpit, US. It is a 6-month contract-to-hire for a Java developer. Let me know if you're interested.

We continuously open doors to top quality positions for professionals with your skills. We provide our candidates with exceptional service and treat individuals with personal respect. Asshole is the employer of choice for many of the most qualified professionals in your industry.

Call or e-mail me today to learn about the immediate opportunities listed above or many others. Or, if you know someone that would be the RIGHT match for Asshole, please feel free to forward this e-mail.

Sincerely,
Fred Flintstone
Senior Staffing Specialist
Asshole, Inc

So is it just me, or does it look like the second paragraph was written by someone else and inserted later? Of course it does, because it was! The PR department took a big shit on a piece of paper, planted tulips in it, and handed it to the management who said “yes, we'll use this!” Then, the one technical person in the office built it into the email program so the recruiters could merge the job description into the document and send it. Unfortunately, I have to read that whole thing just to find out that there's a Java job available in Armpit, USA.

News flash: There are Java jobs available in every fucking city in the U.S. of A. If I'm not going to be working for Asshole IT Staffing, Inc, then I really don't care about your company. I'm not impressed by terms like “Fortune 1000” and “over 20 years”. And who decided that there could be senior staffing specialists? You're a phone jockey. A glorified salesman. Stop posturing.

I want to know about the place in the Armpit of the US. I want to know if I'll be sitting in a tire factory smelling molten polybutadiene while writing software to track suicide attempts in the plant, or if I'll have a comfortable, air-conditioned office in a financial center where I'll write accounting software. I want to know if they wear suits and ties, or bibs and flanels. I want to know if there's a real, honest-to-god owner and president, or if there are just a bunch of disenfranchised stockholders and a self-important board of directors.

Is it really asking that much?


Tags: rant, staffing, jobs

Labels: life, rant

I just tried new Coca-Cola BlâK. Wow, is that bad or what? The flavor is somewhere in between cola and caramel, which is disgusting enough on its own. Then there's all of the froth... I can already feel my insides gurgling from the carbonation. And the best part is that it's sweetened with my two favorite ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, and aspartame. Yum!

Apparently I'm not the only one who's unimpressed with this product.

See more about Coca-Cola BlaK

Labels: reviews

I peeled the cellophane, inserted the disc, and spun my volume know hard to the right, and was immediately welcomed by Benzin into a kidney punch that makes Sehnsucht sound like a lullabye in comparison.

This CD demonstrates how much Rammstein has polished their sound since Sehnsucht. Not only is the music more mature and more refined, but it also packs a far more serious punch.

And you have not experienced a perverse twist on music until you've heard a German metal band perform a Spanish song. ¡Te Quiero Puta!


See more about Rosenrot

Labels: reviews

Training a computer to read body language sounds like a cool idea, with a lot of interesting possible uses. Unfortunately, the one that keeps being mentioned over and over is selling you something. Yup. While I think of a computer reading body language and imagine a modern Eliza program, the inventors can only think of the advantage this might give them in getting our money out of our pockets. Sad.

So what would I do with this technology? I'm glad you asked. Oh, you didn't ask? Well, you're still reading, so I guess that means you'll humor me.

How about a theme-music peripheral for chat clients? It could sense the emotional state of your chat partner, and play an appropriate soundtrack to enhance your chat experience! They laugh, you hear a comedy rimshot... or an audience laughing. They get upset, you hear a soap-opera pipe organ. They yawn, you hear a lullaby. That'd be cool, no?

How about an automated interrogation-bot for use in military detention centers? It could be programmed to ask the questions you want answered over and over. It could read the prisoner's face and use the Reid technique to determine deceit. And it could detect when they were falling asleep, and at those times it could administer a small shock to wake the prisoner up.

Or, think of the uses in research? You could supply a program with a few hundred images and use the face-reader to determine how people react to seeing various images. That could also have huge relevance to psychiatry... sort of a modernized Rorschach test.

All three of these ideas would make far more sense than using the technology to try to determine when would be a good time to show you an advertisement. Christ. Who comes up with this crap?


Tags: computers, technology

Labels: tech

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
25 autistics chicks I thought were faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a NAMBLA member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could be misconstrued.
Under-aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.


Tags: jokes, humor

Labels: fun, humor

...cell phones will be banned. There will be no more loud guy in the line at the bank who thinks I care about his business. No more irritating lady in the grocery store yelling into her phone "What? I didn't hear that. No, the phone is breaking up." No more loud ringer in the middle of a movie, or a speech, or during a wedding. No more Bluetooth headsets on the ears of every dork I see. No more 50dB ring tone from the cubicle next to me while I work. No more Nextel beep.

In place of cell phones, I will install a wireless text-messaging system. It will not have a ringer... just a simple LED that changes color when you've received a message. Expensive models can vibrate. There will be a 200-character limit on messages to prevent people from rambling on and on. It will be seamlessly compatible with internet-based chat clients, and it will be illegal to use one while driving. I don't mind if it plays music... through a headphone jack. I don't even mind if you want to check sports scores or watch videos on it. But I don't want it disturbing ME any more.

Labels: life, rant

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those “evolution things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing she hasn't been told twice already.

What do 54,000 battered women every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.


Tags: jokes, humor

Labels: humor

In a Yahoo News opinion piece, Robert Scheer remarks:

“Sen. Hillary Clinton's dissembling on Iraq has become a fatal embarrassment not only for her, but for anyone who hopes she can provide progressive leadership for the nation. If she has still not found the courage to reverse course on this disastrous war, why assume that as president she would behave any differently?”

Indeed, it seems her stand — or lack thereof — on the war is heating up a lot of disapproval. Bloggers have been giving her hell on the subject.

For my part, I've been strongly motivated against Hillary Clinton for some time now. Frankly, anyone who can put that much effort into persecuting a popular video game for something hackers have done simply does not get it. And anyone who can make such a ridiculous show of that even while members of her party are actively pursuing legal charges against the likes of Karl Rove and even George W. Bush, well, I think it's safe to say that her priorities are poorly aligned. No doubt this is an example of her opinion that it takes a village, and I don't like the future that hints at. I can't imagine that she'd be any better than Bush as a President. And that's a shame, because I really liked her husband.

Labels: politics

“The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.” -Ralph Nader

Labels: qotd

Let's talk about oil. Black gold. Texas tea. The stuff Presidents are made of. People are up in arms over the topic, as well they should be, but very few of them have any idea of the realities of the situation.

In every debate about petroleum, you ultimately find people blaming the owners of big inefficient cars for our oil crisis. The truth is, however, that while cars may be the most obvious use of this natural resource, it's far from the only one.

Not just for fuel
In addition to providing us with gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, etc., we also depend on petroleum for numerous other things. For example, all plastic comes from oil. Think of how much plastic we consume every day — not just the stuff we keep, like computers and cars, but the stuff we throw away. I'm talking about the wrapper on your snack cakes, the lid on your coffee, the bag around your loaf of bread, the shopping bag you carry it all out in, the disposable forks in the cafeteria, the material in your wrinkle-resistant work clothes, the bottles for all of that soda (or water) you drink... all plastic, all comes from oil.

But that's not all. From petroleum we get the asphalt for all of the roads and highways we drive on. We get synthetic rubber for our tires, and our shoes, and our wiper blades, and weatherstripping. We get paraffin wax, fertilizers, pesticides, herbicides, detergents, furniture, packing materials, paints. Every time a surgery is performed, or a baby is born, or blood is drawn, or a band-aid is applied, you have to thank “big oil”.

Hybrids aren't enough
For those reasons, the oil issue is really far more difficult to solve than most people realize. Driving a hybrid — or even an alternate-fuel vehicle — is not enough to make oil go away. If you really want to make a difference in your footprint on the earth, and if you want your argument to carry any weight when you tell others, you have to seriously reconsider everything you do.

Just switching to a hybrid car isn't enough to solve our dependance on oil. Everything in the hybrid car is made from oil, so by buying it, you're still adding demand to that industry. Ironic, no?

But we buy cars long term. Let's instead talk about the short term, such as plastic bags at the grocery store, or the plastic containers the food comes in. Add the morning trip to Starbucks for a coffee, and there's not only petroleum in the coffee cup and lid, but what about all the supplies they used to make that coffee? Went through the drive-thru? That's more oil.

Write to your congressman to complain about oil? Uses oil. Cast a vote? It takes oil. Make a picket sign... needs more oil! You can't win. It's not that easy.

What would it take?
You'd have to return to the days when meat came in paper. You'd have to spend the big money on a nice oak desk, instead of that $89 do-it-yourself computer desk from Wal-Mart. You'd have to have real glasses. Ceramic plates. Down pillows. Clothes made of 100% cotton, or wool, or silk. Cast-iron cookware. Fancy ink pens. Stainless steel cigarette lighters. Buses. Subways. And no more CDs and DVDs...

Honestly? It sounds better to me, but I can afford all of those things — many people can't. The average Wal-Mart shopper has the niceties like a DVD player or a big TV precisely because their cheap construction makes them affordable to more people. If you had to spend hundreds of dollars on a vaccuum cleaner, you might not have money left over for a nice wristwatch. And I doubt that anybody would want to trade their Playstation for a nicer set of dishes. (Well, except mabye for Carson Kressley.)

So what can we do?
In short, I don't know. If someone knew, we'd probably already be doing it. I think we need to pursue clean, renewable energy sources — both for vehicles and for electricity — such as wind or solar power. But we also need to find ways to replace all of those other things listed above. Some of those things would actually be nicer in wood or steel, but for the majority I think we need to find newer, more versatile building materials. And even then, those materials won't make an impact until they can be produced and used at a cost near or below that of plastics.

In the mean time, I think we owe it to ourselves to stop fooling ourselves. Tax breaks for petroleum companies? Once you see just how much they've got their hands in, do you really think they need help? How about we let them pay taxes, and give breaks to the people trying to help us get off of the "addiction to oil"? How about we start giving research money to people with good ideas?

After all, any good idea is going to take many years to reach the point where production can meet demand. If the oil peak really is right around the corner, we should be working now to have something else in place by then.

Labels: corporate evil, life

Today I was turned on to Paul MacLean's Triune Brain Theory, and I must say that it's pretty interesting. The idea he puts forward is that the human brain is made up of three seperate brains in one, which are:

• The R-complex, or reptilian brain, which would be the most basic of the three. Developed during early stages in our evolution (in case the name wasn't obvious enough) the reptilian complex is responsible for basic brain functions such as movement, digestion, reproduction, circulation, breathing, and the execution of fight-or-flight reaction.
• The Limbic system, or mammal brain, which were developed during a middle stage of our evolution. The mammal brain includes the amygdala, responsible for associating events with emotion, and the hippocampus, which provides our long-term memory. Love, hate, fear, joy, pity, rage come from the limbic complex.
• The Neocortex (sometimes called cerebral cortex), or human mind, which occupies five-sixths of the space within our heads. The cerebral cortex gives us communication, logic, operational thinking, and the ability to plan.

The idea suggests that - in spite of how civilized we'd like to think we are - the Neocortex doesn't run the show. In fact, it's only when the two underlying brains are not in control that the Neocortex gets to run the show. In modern society, we find our basic needs met, so we're able to feed our human mind, but order of importance starts from oldest-to-youngest.

This is the part that really starts to get fascinating for me, because it makes so much sense.  It explains why, when faced with a dangerous situation, we do things we didn't know we were capable of - often without emotion, and we often have a very cloudy memory when it's done. It explains why even the smartest people we know make such horrible decisions when they think they're in love... or for that matter when they're irate, as well.

I'm always the one to say that the reason for everything we do is written in our DNA - particularly when I'm talking about relationships and/or sex - but this gives me a whole new depth to the idea. Indeed, it's really quite fascinating how much of human nature seems to be something we have little ability to do anything about!

Labels: philosophy, science

Okay, so I was rooting for Edmonton and Carolina ended up winning. It was a great series, capped with an exciting final period. Cam Ward made some amazing plays throughout the playoffs and definitely earned him MVP trophy. Congratulations Hurricanes.

Labels: sports

And so it is that we're down to the final game in a best-of-seven matchup for what is arguably the most coveted trophy in sports. One way or another, one of tonight's teams will leave with Lord Stanley's cup tonight. There is no tomorrow.

Go Edmonton!

Labels: sports

Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.

Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.

Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

How do you circumcise a Mormon?
Kick his sister in the chin.

How do you get an Ethiopian pregnant?
Come on her feet, and let the flies do the rest.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to my bumper.

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
Hey y'all, watch this!

How many Jews can you fit in a VW bug?
Two in the front, two in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray.

What do you call a white guy with five black guys around him?
Coach.

Labels: fun, humor

As we enter hurricane season once again, we're already turning on the TV and seeing weathermen pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico, while making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by “the big one.”

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

• Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
• Step 2. Put these supplies into your car.
• Step 3. Drive to Maine and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built, and
2. It is located in Maine.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and — if it's a major hurricane — all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters. The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters. The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters. The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

“Hurricane-proof” windows. These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

“HURRICANE-PROOFING” YOUR PROPERTY
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

• 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
• A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
• A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
• $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

Labels: health

• ...man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• ...man who want to become master fisherman must first be master baiter.
• ...woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
• ...man who buy drowned cat paying for stinking wet pussy.
• ...man who have both feet firmly planted on ground have hard time putting on pants.
• ...baseball all wrong.  Man with four balls not walk.
• ...man with hand in pocket feeling cocky.
• ...man with hand in pocket not crazy, just feeling nuts.
  
  

Labels: fun, humor

I'm not interested in handing out a history lesson on who Che Guevara is — if you're interested enough to read about it, you can go here or here. Nope, for now I'd just like to leave this link to some photos of Che, and a special birthday quote of the day:

“If Christ himself stood in my way, I, like Nietzsche, would not hesitate to squish him like a worm.” -Che Guevara

Labels: qotd

The missing phone has been recovered! The tip provided by the anonymous source led investigators directly to the location of the missing phone, with surprising accuracy. With the secret combination once again in the hands of its rightful owner, the world is once again safe for democracy.

We've received an anonymous tip from an alert reader that might provide a clue to the whereabouts of the missing cell phone. Investigators are on their way now to see if any further evidence turns up. Stay tuned.

Have you seen me? I'm a very irritating — in fact, downright annoying — cellphone. I'm hard to talk into, hard to hear on, and impossibly difficult to send text messages with. I have a camera that's worthless. I can successfully fill a pocket yet I do a poor job of filling a hand.

All in all, it's probably a good thing I got lost, but I'm carrying one piece of vital information that is most valuable to my owner: a single ten-digit number that is capable of restoring meaning to the world. By entering this short series of numbers into the keypad provided, my owner can be transported over great distances... even to the future!

Please don't let this power fall into the wrong hands. If you see me, you must return me to my rightful owner or else the entire fabric of space and time could come unraveled. The people of your world are counting on you!

Look, I'm not even going pretend I've spent anything more than 2 minutes glancing at the healthy living jibber-jabber on this site, but I can promise you that MediterrAsian.com has some of the most delicious, and healthy meals I've made. If a pathetic cook like myself can manage to follow these instructions, then anyone can.

Labels: health

“It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.” -David Brin

Labels: qotd

Wow. Did that title get your attention?

Well, this got my attention this morning:

White House senior adviser Karl Rove has been told by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald that he will not be charged in the CIA leak case, according to Robert Luskin, Rove's lawyer.

I'm really pissed about this. We're not idiots. America knows that Rove engineered the identity leak — basically putting Valerie Plame's life on the line even as she was working undercover in the nuclear energy industry researching the very weapons of mass destruction that might one day threaten our country! And to what end? To discredit her husband, who was also researching weapons of mass destruction.

In other words, two people serving their country — one in a most patriotic form — were targeted by the White House for no other reason than that the truth they were telling was making it harder for the Bush Administration to sell their lies.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but isn't that treason? How does this whole thing get covered up and swept under a rug? Rove committed a high crime against his country, and nobody is upset about this. Well, nobody except my hero, Howard Dean:

“He doesn't belong in the White House. If the president valued America more than he valued his connection to Karl Rove, Karl Rove would have been fired a long time ago,” Howard Dean, the Democratic Party chairman, said Tuesday on NBC's Today show. “So I think this is probably good news for the White House, but it's not very good news for America.”

There were 23 people involved in outing Valerie Plame's identity as an undercover CIA agent, and the best thing we could get was an obstruction of justice charge against Scooter Libby?

Labels: politics

“Lo importante no es ganar sino hacer perder al otro.”

Labels: qotd

I remember your eyes — my own eyes, it seemed —
as they lit up when you looked at me,
and your reflection in my window as I watched
your head lean in near desperation
to steal a kiss from me.
I can still feel the warmth of your body
as I lay safely in bed —
and the smug satisfaction on your lips
as you pulled away,
teasing my desire for one more kiss —
a kiss I carried with me for hundreds of miles.
But mostly, I remember the long embrace
that I wished would never end...
that last sweet moment of our goodbye.

The frustration of my drive out of town was almost matched by my return trip. I-26 and I-40 moved at a snail's pace Friday evening -- in fact, it took me over an hour to go 8 miles through Asheville, NC. On the return trip, the highway was closed, starting from the Tennessee-North Corlina border, which promised to be far more frustrating. That is, until I found a detour along route 25, which turned out to be the most beautiful 60 miles I have ever driven. If it wasn't such a winding path, I'd have snapped some photos from there. Nevertheless, the last 30 minutes of my drive were, as always, a beautiful thing. When you've got scenery like this to welcome you home, it's hard to feel like you've had a bad trip.

Unfortunately, after leaving such a wonderful weekend behind me, it's hard to feel good about coming home...

Labels: photography

...the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

...Microsoft had designed the iPod?

...people bought cars like they buy computers?

...George W Bush was a girl?

Labels: fun, humor, ipod

I continue to get a kick out of the doublespeak from Bush. This time, relating to the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, we get the following:

At the White House, President George W. Bush hailed the killing as “a severe blow to al-Qaida and it is a significant victory in the war on terror.”

But he cautioned: “We have tough days ahead of us in Iraq that will require the continuing patience of the American people.”

It just never ends, does it? In one breath he practically insinuates that we've won, and then in the following breath he seems to warn us that this occupation (it's hardly a war) could go on for years.

Okay, since none of his aides have the balls to tell him, I'm going to spell it out right here. Maybe — just maybe — he, or his wife, or his kids will see this.... aw hell, who am I kidding? Those idiots can barely even read, why should I believe they'd ever take the time to struggle through the multi-syllabic words in my blog when there's Joe Cartoon, which doesn't even require the viewer to read?

All the same, Mr. Bush, here's how it works: The reason that your approval is in the gutter — and will stay there until you are buried — is because the American people want more than soundbytes. Sure, soundbytes may be enough to win an election, but that's because we all know how little we have to do with the process. However, once you're in office, we start expecting some action to back up all that rhetoric. Proposals to ban gay marriage will excite all the rednecks and bible-thumpers, but I think it's becoming obvious that they're NOT the majority, and you can't keep catering to only them. The rest of us hear you celebrate victory in one breath, and then warn that the war will continue in the next!

You're not fooling us, Mr. President. And the clock is ticking. It's ticking for the mid-term elections, and it's ticking closer to the end of your rape of the executive office of the United States.

Labels: politics

Me gustaría saber qué está pasando en Hollywood cuando cada pelicula yo vea es tan malo. He visto tres películas esta semana y todos fueron pura mierda. Estar entretenido es todo lo que quiero, pero me parece que no hay cualquiera película de buen cualidad.

(translate)

Sucked. Bad. I can't remember the last time I saw that much over-acting. William Shatner and Charlton Heston could have co-starred and their combined rape of the screen would still pale in comparison to what Julia Stiles (Save the Last Dance) served up. Then, add a wooden Liev Schreiber (The Manchurian Candidate) — a guy so expressionless he makes John Kerry look downright animated — and you're well on your way to pissing all over the box office.

Next, throw in every movie cliché ever used. You've got the underground passages of a subway system, conveniently filled with with candle lit by $DEITY-knows-who, and left burning for $DEITY-knows-how-long. You've got your classic meeting under a bridge on a rainy afternoon. You've got your spooky-looking bald priest in a cloak that must have been left over from The Matrix wardrobe. And just for good measure, we'll toss in a boat ride on a fog-covered river, with a cloaked figure to pilot the ferry. Oh, and to make sure you're paying attention, we've also got two minutes of Mary Poppins for your viewing enjoyment. Christ!

The kid who played Damien wasn't scary at all. He looked more like he was going to cry. Every time he stared into the camera I could almost hear him say "Please get me out of this movie before I never get to act again."

There was one redeeming scene in the movie, and that's the part where the nanny is trying to stop Mr. Thorn from killing Damien. After he knocks her down, he rears back and kicks her square in the face. Thank $DEITY, because I wanted to if he didn't.

Don't waste your money seeing this in the cinema. Don't even waste your money renting it next month on DVD. In fact, if this movie should find its way to cable, you should call your cable provider and ask to have your service cancelled.

Labels: movies, reviews

Have you ever wondered? There is a seemingly limitless supply of peanuts everywhere: in the grocery store, at the drug store, at the convenience store, in the stadium at the game, or even at some vendor on the side of the road. So why is it that in all my travels, I've never seen a peanut tree? This thought kept me up pretty late last night...

As it turns out, peanuts are not really nuts, and they don't grow on trees. Peanuts are legumes, and that means they grow in the ground, like peas and beans. The plants grow to about 60cm and bear small yellow flowers for about half a day. After about four days, a “peg” grows out of the flower and into the ground, and a seed pod (peanuts in a shell) grows at the end of that peg.

Peanut plants are annuals, meaning that they complete their life-cycle after one year. Thus, when harvesting peanuts, the entire plant is dug up and new peanut seeds are buried in its place.

Labels: fun, science

If 666 is the sign of the anti-christ, then what about...

• 333 — the semi-christ?
• 0.666 — the milli-christ?
• -0.80902 — the sine of the anti-christ?
  
• 665 — a lesser evil?
• 668 — the next door neighbor of the beast?
• $665.95 — the retail price of the beast?
• $699.25 — price of the beast after 5% sales tax?
• $769.95 — price of the beast plus accessories, including replacement soul?
• $55.50 — monthly cost of the beast in twelve easy installments?
• $569.45 — price of the beast with 15% employee discount?
• 25.8069758 — the square-root of all evil?
• 6/6/6 — the birthday of the beast?
• 666° F — the oven temperature for "roast beast"?
• 766 — the upstairs neighbor of the beast?
• 666g — the fat content of the beast (per serving, based on a 2000 calorie-per-day diet)?
• 666k — retirement plan of the beast?
• 666° — beast by south-beast?
• 660 — approximation of the beast?
• 555 — a wanna-beast?
• 666DD — the mark of the breast?
• x/666 — the beast-common denominator?
• 666.00000 — a high-precision beast?
  
• 4662 — the beast in dog years?
• 666lbs — weight of the beast?
• 676lbs — the beast on tv?

Labels: fun, humor

Ignorance is bliss, but it's lonely at the top and the grass really is greener on the other side. All work and no play makes Randy a dull boy, but a penny saved is a penny earned and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Just don't put all your eggs into one basket.

What goes around comes around. That's life. So you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So what? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You can't judge a book by its cover -- and be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all's fair in love and war. Still, love conquers all, and all's well that ends well.

Labels: fun

You scored as Industrial/Rivet-Head. You're a rivet-head. You like industrial music, warehouses, and you are a minion of the machines. Industrial/Rivet-Head 75% Understanding Outsider 67% Death Rocker 63% Anything-Goes Goth 58% Cyber-goth 50% Romantic Goth 42% Perky Goff 42% Old-school Goth 33% Ethereal Goth 29% Fantasy Goth 25% Confused Outsider 13% What subcategory of Goth best fits you? created with QuizFarm.com

Labels: fun

...you could capture the soul in a photograph? Would congress ban the destruction of old photos?

...life really was a box of chocolates? Would you eat yourself? Jeeennnnnnnyy!

...people had tails, like dogs? Would we still be able to lie to each other?

...Hitler's mom had hugged him more, and told him she loved him?

...Houdini lost his car keys?

Labels: fun