The secret to great photography is great lighting. The camera doesn’t matter at all. The lens only matters a little. The most important element of any photo is the lighting. Lighting casts shadows which define shapes, tell stories, add drama. Lighting is what paints the mood on your subject. Used well, lighting can make the dullest subject interesting; used poorly, lighting can make the most interesting subject dull.

It turns out that shooting photos of naked people in public places can be rather irritating. Why? Because the unavoidable spectators have no class. People can’t just shut up and enjoy the fact that a girl took off all of her clothes for you to see… they have to shout endless, low-class instructions and comments at her. I’m going to give some thought to how I can avoid this unpleasantness in the future.

Many photographers complain about a problem understanding models. The look at a model’s portfolio and seen more skin than clothing — photos where the model is CLEARLY not wearing anything — but is says right in the profile that she absolutely refuses to do nudes!

This used to confuse me. But now, I believe I’ve cracked the code.

You see, guys, women don’t think like men. Men need logical labels that tell exactly what things are. (The dictionary? That was obviously a man’s invention!)

Women don’t think that way. They use codes for everything. They like labels that are confusing. But remember… those labels are only confusing to men; to women, they make perfect sense!

So now, to the best of my knowledge, here is what these female models say, decoded into what they actually mean, when it comes to their self-imposed limits in photography:

• NO NUDES (in all caps) = I’m doing this because people always said I was pretty, and that I should be a model. In six months, I’ll either have moved on, or opened my mind. But for now, count on me being a pain in the ass.
• Only implied nudity = I’ll take off my top and cover my nipples with my hands. For the right person I might even take off my bottoms. But I don’t want my nipples or genital area to be visible in any photos. This way, if my mom or someone from my church sees the photos, I can lie and say that it was a surprise when I was changing, and that the photographer (that’s you!) is a pervert. But if they see my nipple, then God will find out what a dirty dirty sinner I really am.
• “and only with select photographers I trust” = Basically, this means there’s one really cute guy I’m sleeping with, and all of my nudes were shot by him. But you’re never going to shoot me nude so don’t ask.
• Topless = I like my tits, and I like when other people look at them. I’m also comfortable with you calling them “tits”. As long as my pants stay on, my toplessness gives me power. Everybody wants me. I’m such a hottie.
• Artistic nudes = Let’s not kid anybody. You and I both know that 90% of the photos taken under the label “artistic nudes” are not the least bit artistic. You’re new to photography, and you think naked females will make your pictures turn out better, and I’m okay with feeding that fallacy as long as you’re paying me. Just remember to use medical terminology when telling me how to pose.
• Full nude = I can see you looking at my labia between shots, but I’m okay with that because I don’t feel threatened by you, and because you’re paying me more money than I’m really worth.
• Adult nude = I’m horny, got a camera? I’m so turned on by people looking at me! (I might even masturbate for you, but don’t tell anyone! Hehe)
• Erotic nude = Same as adult nude, but you can tell people. I’m also interested in making out with other women. Know any?
• Erotic = For the right price, I’ll have sex with someone… maybe even you.

A single light from overhead, with barndoors to contain it, made exactly the kind of eerie shadows I wanted for this “bust” of a bald female. The heavy, directional shadows also allowed me to hide some details I didn’t want showing, while still allowing for full-frontal nudity.

Using a single overhead strobe at high power with barn doors, I was able to create very long, dramatic shadows and a great deal of light fall-off. The big features and deep creases in this particular mask play well with the dramatic light to create a particularly eerie effect, which is served by the anguish in the pose.

Here is an example of what I mean when I talk about symbolism and choice of subject. Rather than choosing some heavy-handed method of spelling things out, I opted for a subtle combination of details which can work together to create a general theme without forcing a specific message. With a little help from the title, this image should bring the same themes to mind regardless of who views it.

Fun things happen every time you get new gear. This weekend, I got a 6-foot diffusion panel — something I’ve wanted for a few months now — and yesterday I got a chance to break it in, though perhaps not in the way the manufacturer had intended.

I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about naked women holding fruit that really tends to carry strong undertones and thought-provoking implications. I guess we have The Bible to thank for that.

No people or animals were harmed in any way during the creation of this photo.

Partly inspired by the Daft Bodies clip on YouTube, but mostly the twisted ends that my mind often leads to when faced with a drier vent, some aluminum foil, HVAC tape, and a couple fire hoods. Sooner or later is was going to come to this.